Open Letter to My Sisters...

First, I want to say that I love you two so much. You two are like my children and I would do anything for you and anything to protect you.

That being said, this weekend when I let you two use my laptop, I carelessly left my tabs saved to open automatically when you opened the browser. I'm sure you inevitably saw my blog and read every entry, out of pure curiosity. I'm not 100% sure if you read everything, but nevertheless, I was devastated at the prospect of being found out. What would you two think?? What would you say?? I'm too afraid to even ask if you read it because I'm deathly afraid of the awkwardness and possible rejection that might ensue. I rather just assume the worst.

The things I discussed in this blog were; ironically, because it is shared with the world; meant to be private. Things I wrote in here are things I have told very few people or no one at all. A blog is hardly how I would have imagined you would find out such personal and private things about me. Anonymity was so important to me and now that it has been jeopardized, I can no longer continue writing because I am almost certain you will return to this page again.

I love you two so much and I hope you understand that I am not a bad person; I am simply a person who has no other outlet to express feelings that many may view as strange or wrong. I hope we can still be as close as before and I hope most of all, that you don't see me any differently.

♥

I almost gave in...

...so, as you know, I have up stalking and eating before 6pm for Lent.

The fasting was no problem! The issue was that I almost went to my ex-'s Facebook page today; the urge came over me several times... I'm only allowed to go to her page if she pops up in my mini-feed, which she did yesterday, and of course I took the opportunity to examine her page.

She had changed her profile picture to one of her and N... so, bad news: they're still together...

As I prepared to hurl myself into a state of depression, I remembered that I can't keep doing this to myself. Really, I was almost all set to put up a sappy Facebook status, when I thought, "what the fuck is wrong with you?? get over it!! keep movin'..."

Quickly, I smiled; I told myself that this was temporary. They will break up soon and I will happy again (see: disturbed). I also noted that N has fucked up teeth and my teeth are perfect, as well as the fact that Y had always told me sex with me was awesome and the only other person that came close was her ex- of 3 years.

Sadly, these are the demented and trivial things things that keep me afloat in this situation of mine...

I need a distraction... when I was a freshman in college dealing with rejection from a football player who dumped me because I wouldn't have sex with him (I was saving myself for marriage and boys-only then), my friends told me the only way to get over someone is with someone else. Umm, yeah, so I'm not a whore and I can't go sleeping with random girls/guys, but honestly, I just want to feel close to someone again. I'm lonely and it sucks...

I've done pretty damn well staying away from Y's page and her girlfriend's blog. I don't even visit their pages on Sundays when it's "allowed". The real test will come Easter Sunday when Lent will be over and I'll undoubtedly have to restrain myself from e-binging on various Facebook, blogs, DowneLink and Twitter accounts before church service!! LOL!! Ahh... it's funny because it's sad.

Part of me really wants to tell her how I still feel about her. I know now is certainly not the time because I'm sure she could give to fucks about me right now with Snaggletoo--, err, I mean, her girlfriend in the picture. I think about this girl everyday. I was willing to come out for her. I loved her and it still hurts so badly... Maybe that's why I'm so looking forward to her and N breaking up; that will be my only chance to tell her how I feel, because otherwise I'd just look mad foolish....

Lesson learned: If you get a chance to do something, TAKE IT. Otherwise, you will regret it FOREVER.

Goodnight... ★+*.

I ♥ my dad...

... even when we fight.

As bad as I felt about what my dad said to me yesterday, I felt worse for yelling at him the way I did; I even woke my mom up, the way I was carrying on. I have an abhorrent temper and razor-sharp tongue and should never treat/speak to my parents that way, no matter what the circumstance...

Short of apologizing, I sent my dad a text message this morning saying "Have a nice day". My dad's response:

"Thank you. I just want you to know that EVERYTHING I say to you is out of love because I want my first daughter to be a success. I LOVE YOU. -Dad"

Of course upon reading this, I burst into tears. I love my dad. I am my father's daughter. We both have issues keeping our emotions in check and because I never mastered the African art of shut-up-and-be-quiet-while-your-parents-yell-at-you, things often escalate out of control. The few times when I have bitten my tongue when getting a tongue-lashing, my dad has always come back to apologize and peace ensued for weeks after... until our next spat, but peace nonetheless!

I don't want to fight with my dad; I know when wants what's best for me and I'm sure he's frustrated and he maybe feels that he's failing as a parent somehow if his children aren't succeeding. I don't want to "prove him wrong", but rather make him proud.

"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you." ~Exodus 20:12
♥