Slice of Happy... ♥

Howdy y'all....

It's been awhile; I've been dealing with a lot of stuff and haven't had time to blog, but now I'm back.

So much drama has been going on: grief, work, school...(I took my orgo final today, though I'd rather forget that ever happened).

Amid all this, I finally had a moment of joy—my slice of happy. That happiness was found in the the bottom of a .99¢ bag of CVS® brand gummi bears.

Yep. Gelatin candies made my day, today. I was up all last night and the night before—with a 2-hour nap in between—studying for my exam. I didn't want food-food, but just something to snack on while I drew my Friedel-Crafts mechanisms and Clemmensen reduction reactions. Gummi bears were the perfect solution! Over the course of 18 hours, that was all I ate—just the one 4-oz. bag!! Four-hundred-twenty calories total; I didn't binge! For once...

Anyhoo, in addition to being a fat-free food, gummi bears also provide 3 grams of protein per serving! Yeah, that exclamation mark didn't make that sound any more exciting, but I'm just trying to look at the bright side of eating nothing but candy for a whole day... I wasn't really hungry because of the Adderall® I had taken earlier, so the gummi bears were just enough to keep me happy.

I know I'm going on and on about some silly candy, but I'm just feeling really good right now. I prayed the Rosary before I studied and I prayed before my exam, like I always do; so I'm not stressed right now... just TIRED! #OMG. I had to will my body to come to work after school; I even took a nap in my car... sOoOo exhausted.

Welp, I'm going to be leaving in an hour and I'm going to hit up the mall to get my nails done, then get a massage—I DESERVE IT!! I think I'll take a nap before "Real Housewives: New York" tonight at 10pm, then go back to sleep! So happy to just RELAX.

I'll be back later to update you on some recent events concerning Y and my ex-boyfriend—I know the 7 of you are on the EDGE of your seats in anticipation!!!

Toodle-loo folks! :)

TisbA
♥

Open Letter to My Sisters...

First, I want to say that I love you two so much. You two are like my children and I would do anything for you and anything to protect you.

That being said, this weekend when I let you two use my laptop, I carelessly left my tabs saved to open automatically when you opened the browser. I'm sure you inevitably saw my blog and read every entry, out of pure curiosity. I'm not 100% sure if you read everything, but nevertheless, I was devastated at the prospect of being found out. What would you two think?? What would you say?? I'm too afraid to even ask if you read it because I'm deathly afraid of the awkwardness and possible rejection that might ensue. I rather just assume the worst.

The things I discussed in this blog were; ironically, because it is shared with the world; meant to be private. Things I wrote in here are things I have told very few people or no one at all. A blog is hardly how I would have imagined you would find out such personal and private things about me. Anonymity was so important to me and now that it has been jeopardized, I can no longer continue writing because I am almost certain you will return to this page again.

I love you two so much and I hope you understand that I am not a bad person; I am simply a person who has no other outlet to express feelings that many may view as strange or wrong. I hope we can still be as close as before and I hope most of all, that you don't see me any differently.

♥

You can't please everyone.....

...... especially not my father.

I just had a huge fight with him tonight. I mean, we were really, really yelling at each other. I don't like disrespecting my parents, but I'm really bad at biting my tongue and staying quiet when I feel like I should be defending myself. It all started when he, while asking my brother about why he missed church, mentioned how neither of us had "any type of clear career path". Me? The same "me" who has a degree from a tier 1 university? The same "me" who has worked up from intern to coordinator at my current organization in less than a year? The same "me" who has been gainfully employed since graduating and is actively applying to medical school??? Comparing me to my brother; who has yet to finish his undergrad degree, get a job, or pay for anything he owns himself at 27; is quite laughable and downright ridiculous.

My dad does this a lot. He makes me feel bad about not going to medical school right after graduation (in 2006). What makes it worse is that I changed my major half-way into undergrad and went from physiology/neurobiology to public health (which was tantamount to me saying "mom and dad, I'm dropping out of college and, by the way, I'm pregnant"). He told me tonight that my life "was over" (at 26, right?) and that I was "Going nowhere" as my peers "lapped me in achievement" and that at 26 I "have nothing to show for it". He then proceeded to name the numerous cousins and children of family friends who had either started or finished residency and who were now either getting married or buying homes. FYI: If a Nigerian woman is over 27 and not in residency, PhD candidacy, or married, she is a failure. Ask anybody (Nigerian). I have one year left before I become part of the dregs of society.

I did mention I'm Nigerian, right? If you know anything about Nigerians, or foreign parents in general, you'll know that they have very high standards regarding education. For me and my cousins as well as Nigerian/Indian/Chinese/foreign friends, we all know that if you're not a doctor, engineer, or pharmacist, you might as well go kill yourself right now because you are all but worthless in our communities. Of course I don't agree with this; not every single Nigerian I know is an MD, PharmD, or PhD, but there are quite a few; I'd say about 60% of my friends. Oh, did I mention both my parents are also surgeons?? Yeah, so there's no "do your best, honey" because my best has to be better than their best... at least that's how they measure success.

Now, I know I haven't taken a direct path to medical school, but damn it, I'm trying! I'm working hard finishing pre-reqs and I am trying. It's very difficult for me to see my peers graduating pharmacy school and medical school, heading off to residency and not feel left behind. I'm going to be 27 soon, damn near 30 and I feel unaccomplished. I want to be on par with those around me.

I'm not pursing medical school just to please my parents, as so many people think and freely suggest as the reason why I say I want to be a doctor (I fucking hate that). I seriously feel that there is no way I'll be happy or fulfilled with my life unless I'm a physician. I love science and medicine. I read medical journals for fun. I love learning about rare diseases and I get a thrill when I identify diseases before doctors do on TLC's "Mystery Diagnosis" series. I want the opportunity at that one-on-one interaction with a patient. I see the way my parents are with their patients and I admire it greatly. Plus, I've always wanted to be able to say, "trust me; I'm a doctor..." ☺

I took a practice MCAT yesterday with Princeton Review and I finally decided to take the July exam after putting it off for so many years. I admit it: I've been afraid of applying to medical school; I have been afraid of what would happen if I didn't get in. What would my parents say? What would my friends say? A lot of people expect me to be a doctor, especially because my parents are doctors (why could they be bus drivers or garbage collectors? not that there's anything wrong with that, but damn, I wouldn't have to aim so high).

I know I'm not exactly a dinosaur, but can't help but feel old (by African standards) when I look at people my age and see what they are up to compared to myself. Nevertheless, I still find encouragement in others pursuing the same career path as me and some who are doing it later in life. I know all is not lost; I can still do it.

I'll let you all know how it goes...

♥ TisbA

First Friday of Lent...

... and I ate ham. BLASPHEMY!!!

But it was so tasty, Lord help me...

So, this year for Lent, I am fasting until 6:00pm and I've given up my favorite past time: stalking. Yes, ladies... I, TisbA, have promised to refrain from stalking people for 40 days and 40 nights plus Sundays (which are not counted during Lent).

For those of you unfamiliar with Lent, it is a time of fasting, abstinence and penitence which starts after Mardi Gras (which translates to "Fat Tuesday" but some call it Shrove Tuesday) and begins the day of Ash Wednesday... anyone else notice Biden's ashes Wednesday??? I did; made me happy for some reason... :)

Anyhoo... during this time, most observers give up something like eating one meal a day, forgoing alcohol or even their daily frappucino or vow to do more of something else, and instead use the money they would have spent on those things and donate it to charity or do community service and pray more. Lenten practices are usually not observed on Sundays which are treated like "mini-Easters" and are a day of celebration. For the most part, Lent is a time of reflection and aspiration to become a better person.

As I noted above, I'll be fasting which I have stuck to, but the one meal a day thing I've totally blown. Hunger induces binging for me and that is partly why I chose to fast because I know food has a hold on me which is very similar to my obsession with knowing what others are doing/thinking/saying (e.g. stalking). Both of these things can sometimes consume me; leading me to waste time (and calories).

As part of my Lenten devotion, I've said I would not check my ex-'s Facebook page (unless she pops up in my mini-feed, then it's fair game). But other than that, I've removed her page from the list of bookmarks on my Blackberry and I no longer check her blog or N's blog. It's been kind of a relief really. Instead of reading a status of hers that leaves me depressed and moody for the rest of the day/week, I rarely think about it and instead assume the worst (best, in my opinion) that they have broken up. I'm sick, I know :)

Anyway... I'm still tackling the binging. As soon as my phone alarm goes off at 6 o' clock, I say a short prayer then do my best to keep from eating everything I see. I brought two Fiber One® bars with me to eat at work today, but we had a staff meeting and they ordered pizza: high-carb kryptonite.

I've been praying for God to give me strength; strength not to binge, strength to treat food as my fuel and not my foe, and strength to appreciate the fact that not every has access to food like I do, so I should be grateful not gluttonous.

Everyday is a struggle, but I can make it through... with God's help.

Amen.

McQueen is Dead. Long Live McQueen.

This is such a sad day... in fashion and in general. Four-time winner of the British Fashion Designer of the Year award, Sir Alexander McQueen is dead.

It's not obviously apprearnt, but I love, LOVE, ♥ fashion. Haute couture, prêt-à-Porter, footwear, handbags... everything. Mostly, I enjoy looking at it since I can't afford the things I truly love. Many of those beloved things were the creation of designer Alexander McQueen. He was a phenomenal fashion genious whose avant-garde style and performance-like runway shows were beyond compare. Adored by celebrities like Rihanna and SJP, and whose designs are worn by Lady Gaga in her "Bad Romance" video; McQueen made beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL work.

Lee Alexander McQueen was found dead today of an appaerant suicide. Someone who was so famous, so rich, so talented, and so loved by so many took his own life. Suicide is so sad and I can't begin to pretend to know what is going through the mind of a person who is contemplating taking their own life. All I can say is that if you know someone who is becoming withdrawn or acting differently, don't dismiss it; show concern... you never know what they can be going theough. I know life gets bad, it gets depressing, I get depressed, but I still know that for me, nothing can ever be as bad for me to want to kill myself. I could be in debt up to a billion dollars and weigh 300 pounds, but I know I could still go on living. I know not everyone feels that way, but I hope people turn away from suicide as an option and look to solve their problems another way. If you ever need to talk, on this blog or off, I'm here; I really don't mind. Even one person dying from suicide is too sad and too great of a loss to humanity.

God Save McQueen ♥

I will be OK...

Thank you to Sairs and skinnythin who offered advice and kind words on my previous posts. Every now and then, I get depressed and just plain sad. It doesn't help that my body isn't how I want it to be and I tend to blame my appearance for all my problems: why he/she doesn't like me, why I'm single, why I didn't go to that event, why I just wasn't confident enough to do anything.

It is all a process. I just have to take things one day at a time. I'm not going to fast anymore until Lent when I know I can do it. I'm also going to stop obsessing about Y because I know she and N will break up again eventually (yeah, I know that's not a great thing to hope for, but it's the way I'm dealing with that for now)

I will not be alone. I am not ugly; I am beautiful. I am smart. I will lose weight. I will be OK.