Night On The Town Before Lockdown...

Hello people :)

So, I just want to briefly tell you about my weekend. Friday and Saturday were my official "final outings" until my MCAT exam. I know you must have Googled it already, but for those that don't know, the MCAT is the medical college admission test which is given in the U.S. and Canada and required for admission to medical school. It's a big, life-changing exam and I am really nervous about it, BUT.... I decided to forget about it for a couple hours and enjoy 2 nights out with friends.

The first night was a dinner with friends. I had on this beautiful black, printed sheath dress with a black ribbon cuff and my favorite pearls. I also accomplished a great smokey-eye look with my eyeshadow. For a while, I had been confused as to how to translate my daytime make-up to a nighttime look and finally realized that it was through the drama of eye make-up. Anyway... I looked H-O-T!! I was, per usual, fashionably late to the dinner and when greeting my friends, I didn't even notice exactly who was all there until I sat down. Sitting diagonally to me at the table was a fine, fine piece of man candy; he is a BEAUTIFUL man!! Think Tyson Beckford body, Morris Chestnut skin and voice, with just an awesome face... Mmm... too bad he wasn't on the menu!! Anyway, I could feel him staring at me throughout the night and I was definitely pleased with myself as because I know I looked GREAT. He and I had gone out on a date with the year prior and I knew what he was thinking: Damn, I should have asked her out on a second date!

Sorry, boo. You had your chance :)

At the end of the dinner, he said he had "parked far" and asked for a ride to his car; I obliged. He started talking about "how busy" he had been, basically trying to explain away the last 12 months he spent not calling me. I just "Uh-huh"ed everything he said and reassured him I had been equally as busy. I love it when you see someone after a long time and you can feel the regret they have about not keeping in touch with you. Even though he is handsomely delicious, I would never give him the honor of another date with me—I don't care how chocolaty he is!!

I drove home, smiling to myself, happy to have the last laugh.

The next night was another party for a friend. This was going to be a bigger event at a banquet hall. I knew a lot of people from the Nigerian community would be there, so I wanted to show up and show out!! I wore this emerald colored dress with jewels bordering the neckline and bodice with my requisite pearls and an adorable brocade clutch. I had actually did a test run of my make-up in between studying earlier in the day, so I knew exactly what to do with my eyes. I had a special incentive to go to this party because I wanted to see a friend whom I hadn't spoken to in some time. He and I kind of have a thing for each other, but we've never been really serious (or public) about it. It's funny because the first time he ever mentioned interest in me was once when I was crying to him about the feelings I still had for my female ex- Y, he said he "thought I was over women and would finely give him a chance". I was very surprised, but not much (aside from a few make out sessions) ever came from it. After that, he started seeing someone and that was that...

Anyway, I was looking to try and re-ignite some of the feelings from before since I heard he was no longer dating. He was the host and he was running around the entire night. Every time I tried to catch him, we could only speak for a moment. I never got a chance to pull him aside and really chat him up. I stayed until the very end of the party and in a last ditch attempt to get his attention, I asked him to walk me to my car. At that exact moment, a good friend of both of ours (I guess noticing how tired he was along with being oblivious to my intentions) offered me a ride to my car instead. At that point, if I continued to insist he walk me to my car, it might arouse suspicion, so I accepted the ride and kissed my chance at some action goodbye... until next time...

The night wasn't a total loss; I had a great time, caught up with friends... as well as some non-friends and tons of people saw me looking FAB and would undoubtedly go tell others... LOL. I felt good.

Now it's back to studying as usual. I cannot wait to take this exam. I'm thinking of planning a celebratory trip somewhere... I don't know where yet, but I will keep you posted!!

We still have more to catch up on, so stay tuned!!

♥ TisbA

BACK IN BUSINESS!!!

Hello stalkers!!!!

OMG, so I'm soOoOo glad to be back to blogging!!! So, in regards to my farewell post, I might have overreacted. I checked my web history a few days later, and it turns out that my sisters never saw my blog!!! I was BEYOND relieved!!! I thought about changing my URL, but I simply ♥ my witty website name. I mean, "THERishouldbeAPY"?? "I should be in THERAPY"?? That's f*cking AWESOME!!!

So, I'm back, and just in time because my world has been unraveling.........

So many things to share; I actually started making a list of thing I needed to blog about in a note on my BlackBerry™... yep, I sure did!!!

I'm going to start off with something that just happened to me like an hour ago.....

While stalking my ex-boyfriend on Facebook, I saw tagged pictures of him put up by some girl I'd seen on his page every now and then but never thought much of her because frankly... she looks like a potato with hair: frumpy, freckled, and just boring-looking. But today, there were pictures of the two of them standing side by side in what looked like a tropical vacation place. As I investigated further, I realized that the pictures were taken at Epcot (yep, bootleg Disney) but what made me go "hmmm" is the one picture I saw of her kissing him on the cheek, moreover, the picture of him kissing her on the cheek. Further more, the fact that they were at Epcot; this is outside of the state where we live and me and him NEVER went anywhere together that wasn't more than a 3 hour drive away. I found myself surprisingly pissed off---for a little bit. I'm fine now because I know the girl is ugly and if they are dating, then she must not mean much to him because he hasn't changed the status on his Facebook profile for her (yes, I am basing the level of seriousness of their relationship on an online networking site's profile features)

Anyhoo.... I did freak out for the first 5 minutes, I even shed a tear (just one!) I know he's still a loser/cheater and will most likely break her heart, too. To be very honest, I was very surprised that I even felt anything about the matter... not that I'm still in love with him after 2 years, but I was a bit perturbed that he had taken a trip that obviously cost some sort of money with this heif-- I mean girl. He never spent money on me when we were together for over 5 years; now he's taking trips with some chick who he's been with for a few months? iGuess...

His mother still loves me and I talk to her every now and then (on Facebook, nonetheless) and I know there is no way she'd allow him to marry such a girl.

But again, I'm prettier and that's that!

Coming soon:
-My weight :(
-Gay marriage
-Chaz Bono
-Relationships/Engagements
-VOGUE magazine
-My daily and incessant gripes...

Stay tuned...

I am so weak

So I just ate. I had pretzels, hummus, yogurt... then I moved onto the hard stuff; buffalo wings, pizza... I am so weak and feel so disgusting right now.

I'm an emotional eater; I eat when I'm happy, but even more when I'm sad.

Why am I sad? Well, like I mentioned before, I'm a stalker. A heartbroken stalker. The girl I used to date broke up with me a year ago and I haven't gotten over her yet. This is really making me sick inside, really sick. We only dated for about 4 months, but... and I've only told this to my best friend... but I think I might have loved her. I mean, what else is this feeling that WON'T go away?? Its an achy, sad feeling inside me. I can cover it up with food, other people, or anything else.

My ex-, we'll call her Y, started seeing another girl, we'll call her N, very soon after we broke up, which made me think this other girl was waiting in the wings in some type of way...

Y is in LOVE with this girl; I mean, she is chasing this girl big time. The girl seems to not be as enthralled because she keeps breaking up with Y. In N's blogs, she always talks about how she doesn't think people listen to her when she tries to tell them what she wants (e.g. not wanting to be in a relationship) but Y doesn't seem to care. Y is willing to sacrifice so much to be with N.

N was in school, had family obligations, lived far away... all things that she and I had in common, but Y wasn't willing to compromise with me. Y said that we didn't spend enough time together, but here she was willing to get just a few hours a week with N and that was enough. With me, its a deal breaker, but with N, Y is totally willing deal with being all but ignored by N.

WHY NOT ME? Why couldn't she give me another chance? Why is she willing to give N so many chances to break her heart, but she breaks mine with so little thought??

I feel so sad and alone. I hate this feeling. I literally have no one to talk to because I'm sure all my friends are sick of hearing about this particular problem. I'm going to go eat some more. I feel like shit. I don't know what to do.................

F*ck YOU.

Is what I should have said, in addition to many other things. Instead, I saved my angry +160 character response to my Blackberry draft folder.....

My ex-, we'll call her "Y" decided to randomly text me today. She ask me if I'd come out of the closet. At first I thought that was extra random, but then I quickly realized she was referring to my status. I had a quote up by Lt. Dan Choi. It goes: “Have courage. Stand up. Don't hide. Be honest...”

If you're unfamiliar with this quote, Lt. Choi is a former infantry officer in the United States Army who has served in combat in the Iraq war. "Former" because after he bravely came out on The Rachel Maddow Show, he was discharged from the army less than a week later in accordance with the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. You can read all about it here.

Anyhoo..... I told her that no, I hadn't come out, but I found his quote inspirational for many reasons as I hoped other people did, too. Thinking that was the end of our random moment and it would be another 3 months until I heard from her again, I went back to work until she replied (in 3 texts, mind you) that there was something "inherently wrong" about me putting up such a quote when I myself aren't out because "[I'm] the one he's talking to". At that point, I picked up the phone and called her, leaving a message (in my low, I'm-at-work voice) saying I didn't appreciate what she said and some other stuff...

I was quite angered when she responded that (paraphrasing) I "should come out and until [I] do, [I] shouldn't be using his words as a battle cry if [I'm] not willing to join the fight"

.....

I was incensed.

Who the Hell is she to tell me what I can/can't or should/shouldn't say or do and when?? If she was in front of me, I might have slapped her... and not lightly either; but a mighty, AFRICAN slap. I was so, so, soOoOo angry. I typed up a response, ready to deliver it, but I stopped short of pressing "send" because.... honestly (and this is quite pitiful)... I didn't want her to be mad at me... I was afraid that might me the last time she ever contacted me again... Go on, "BOOOOOO" me!!! I welcome it... because I know it was a wimpy move. I'll give the full story behind us/me at another time...

Below is what I typed but never sent. Hopefully, at least someone will get to read it:

How dare you? You've got some nerve to tell me what I can/can't or should/shouldn't do.

I put that quote up because I agreed with what he said and the specific meaning behind it. He is SO brave and it pains me not to know that type of courage.

I AM NOT YOU. I did not come out at 14. I do not "dislike" my family and therefore, I care about how my choices effect them. I do things on my OWN time, my OWN way.

To tell me that I haven't "joined the fight" just because I haven't come out to the world is BULLSHIT. I want what is right and just for EVERYONE; all of US. I do my part; not just through silly statuses but actual WORK and activism. You do not know me, [Y]. Please do not act like you know me, my life, or what I am about.

Entry 1

Hellooooooooooooooo, out there!!!

This is my first blog entry EVER!!! Kinda excited, kinda feeling nerdy, but oh well. I've always thought people who "blogged" were weird, but then I realized I'm weird!! So, I should feel right at home, no..?

I also realized that I have a lot of things to say and don't always have a chance to express my thoughts. My whole desire to create a blog came about from one of my favorite pastimes: stalking.

Remember I said I was weird??!!

Not stalking in the waiting-outside-your-job-and-going-through-your-trash sense, but more so a hey-just-checking-in-on-you-(incessantly-and-without-you-knowing) type of way. You see, my ex- had a blog which she told me about, but then I think she forgot I knew about it because she began to reveal a lot of things that she never told me in her entries. I would check it everyday after we broke up. As she blogged about the new girl she was dating; her ups would be my downs (unfortunately) and I relished the times (quite unfortunately) when she was down... (see: unhealthy)

I know it's awful to delight in another's pain, but she caused me a lot of hurt... even though I never told her.... sigh.

Anyhoo... I'm actually at work and I'd LOVE to keep my job, so I'm going to get back on task... ttyl!!!

Whoever "you" are....