FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL

I took two Adderall® this morning, but I had skipped a dose yesterday, so I was already hungry when I woke up.

Late to church, I skipped service and went to the food court at the mall and ate a 2-entree meal at Panda Express®—orange chicken and mushroom chicken with ½ white rice, ½ fried rice.

I sat down at a table and stuffed my face. Afterward, I sat and cried quietly as a Beyoncé video played on the TV screen.

I feel like such a FAILURE.

I went to Target® to buy new headphones for my iPod®. In addition, I bought a pair of socks and a yellow t-shirt. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror—I looked like shit. I started pinching the fat on my stomach; I can't believe I let people see me like this.

I walked to the check out line, still pinching my stomach, covering it with the shirt I was about to buy. The guy at the register told me, “Smile! You look nice!” Clearly, he was a lunatic... or just trying to be nice to the pitiful fat girl before him.

I half smiled and left.

I have binged ALL WEEKEND LONG. I weighed myself today: 2.6kg heavier. Nearly six pounds in 3 days. I was too lazy to throw up anything I ate. I am so WEAK. I was doing so well...

My new Rx for Adderall XR® costs $130 for a 30-day supply. I just wasted $8.66.

I cannot quit. I've worked too hard. My friend's birthday party is in 6 days; I MUST lose this weight by then. I have to. I can't let her see how fat I've gotten. I still need to find a pink dress to stuff myself into.

I'm going to promise not to eat the rest of the day. Only water. I can do it. Watch me.

Am I really losing weight..??

So, the scale says I've lost another 2.2kg (4.84 pounds) since my last post. I am so confused right now. The scale says one thing, but my body feels another way. I mean, I can tell that my clothes fit differently and people keep telling me that I look like I've lost weight, but I still don't see it for myself.

I'm 2 pounds away from what I weighed at graduation 4 years ago, but I feel like I don't look like I did back then. My stomach looks bigger, my thighs look fatter---I just feel like I'm still bigger than the scale says.

I looked back at my weight log, and I've lost a total of 9kg (19.8 pounds) since I started this blog... but I can't tell you where the hell it went. I still feel big, bloated and fat. Maybe I should go shopping and see if I can stuff myself into a smaller size; maybe then I'll start to realize if I'm really as small as people say... I'm still nowhere near where I'd actually want to be, however, so I'm still trying to lose.

(sad face)

You can't please everyone.....

...... especially not my father.

I just had a huge fight with him tonight. I mean, we were really, really yelling at each other. I don't like disrespecting my parents, but I'm really bad at biting my tongue and staying quiet when I feel like I should be defending myself. It all started when he, while asking my brother about why he missed church, mentioned how neither of us had "any type of clear career path". Me? The same "me" who has a degree from a tier 1 university? The same "me" who has worked up from intern to coordinator at my current organization in less than a year? The same "me" who has been gainfully employed since graduating and is actively applying to medical school??? Comparing me to my brother; who has yet to finish his undergrad degree, get a job, or pay for anything he owns himself at 27; is quite laughable and downright ridiculous.

My dad does this a lot. He makes me feel bad about not going to medical school right after graduation (in 2006). What makes it worse is that I changed my major half-way into undergrad and went from physiology/neurobiology to public health (which was tantamount to me saying "mom and dad, I'm dropping out of college and, by the way, I'm pregnant"). He told me tonight that my life "was over" (at 26, right?) and that I was "Going nowhere" as my peers "lapped me in achievement" and that at 26 I "have nothing to show for it". He then proceeded to name the numerous cousins and children of family friends who had either started or finished residency and who were now either getting married or buying homes. FYI: If a Nigerian woman is over 27 and not in residency, PhD candidacy, or married, she is a failure. Ask anybody (Nigerian). I have one year left before I become part of the dregs of society.

I did mention I'm Nigerian, right? If you know anything about Nigerians, or foreign parents in general, you'll know that they have very high standards regarding education. For me and my cousins as well as Nigerian/Indian/Chinese/foreign friends, we all know that if you're not a doctor, engineer, or pharmacist, you might as well go kill yourself right now because you are all but worthless in our communities. Of course I don't agree with this; not every single Nigerian I know is an MD, PharmD, or PhD, but there are quite a few; I'd say about 60% of my friends. Oh, did I mention both my parents are also surgeons?? Yeah, so there's no "do your best, honey" because my best has to be better than their best... at least that's how they measure success.

Now, I know I haven't taken a direct path to medical school, but damn it, I'm trying! I'm working hard finishing pre-reqs and I am trying. It's very difficult for me to see my peers graduating pharmacy school and medical school, heading off to residency and not feel left behind. I'm going to be 27 soon, damn near 30 and I feel unaccomplished. I want to be on par with those around me.

I'm not pursing medical school just to please my parents, as so many people think and freely suggest as the reason why I say I want to be a doctor (I fucking hate that). I seriously feel that there is no way I'll be happy or fulfilled with my life unless I'm a physician. I love science and medicine. I read medical journals for fun. I love learning about rare diseases and I get a thrill when I identify diseases before doctors do on TLC's "Mystery Diagnosis" series. I want the opportunity at that one-on-one interaction with a patient. I see the way my parents are with their patients and I admire it greatly. Plus, I've always wanted to be able to say, "trust me; I'm a doctor..." ☺

I took a practice MCAT yesterday with Princeton Review and I finally decided to take the July exam after putting it off for so many years. I admit it: I've been afraid of applying to medical school; I have been afraid of what would happen if I didn't get in. What would my parents say? What would my friends say? A lot of people expect me to be a doctor, especially because my parents are doctors (why could they be bus drivers or garbage collectors? not that there's anything wrong with that, but damn, I wouldn't have to aim so high).

I know I'm not exactly a dinosaur, but can't help but feel old (by African standards) when I look at people my age and see what they are up to compared to myself. Nevertheless, I still find encouragement in others pursuing the same career path as me and some who are doing it later in life. I know all is not lost; I can still do it.

I'll let you all know how it goes...

♥ TisbA

McQueen is Dead. Long Live McQueen.

This is such a sad day... in fashion and in general. Four-time winner of the British Fashion Designer of the Year award, Sir Alexander McQueen is dead.

It's not obviously apprearnt, but I love, LOVE, ♥ fashion. Haute couture, prêt-à-Porter, footwear, handbags... everything. Mostly, I enjoy looking at it since I can't afford the things I truly love. Many of those beloved things were the creation of designer Alexander McQueen. He was a phenomenal fashion genious whose avant-garde style and performance-like runway shows were beyond compare. Adored by celebrities like Rihanna and SJP, and whose designs are worn by Lady Gaga in her "Bad Romance" video; McQueen made beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL work.

Lee Alexander McQueen was found dead today of an appaerant suicide. Someone who was so famous, so rich, so talented, and so loved by so many took his own life. Suicide is so sad and I can't begin to pretend to know what is going through the mind of a person who is contemplating taking their own life. All I can say is that if you know someone who is becoming withdrawn or acting differently, don't dismiss it; show concern... you never know what they can be going theough. I know life gets bad, it gets depressing, I get depressed, but I still know that for me, nothing can ever be as bad for me to want to kill myself. I could be in debt up to a billion dollars and weigh 300 pounds, but I know I could still go on living. I know not everyone feels that way, but I hope people turn away from suicide as an option and look to solve their problems another way. If you ever need to talk, on this blog or off, I'm here; I really don't mind. Even one person dying from suicide is too sad and too great of a loss to humanity.

God Save McQueen ♥