SoOoOo... It's been awhile....

OMG, guys!!! I am SO sorry to have left you all. I have been oh-so-busy studying ferociously for my MCAT. My test prep course just wrapped up and I am counting down the weeks until the end of MCAT Season.

I have SO many stories and updates for you all!!! I don't have time to get into all of it right now, but upcoming posts will fill you all in on all the stuff that's happened to me in the past 2-½ months... lots of changes, good and not so good, but right now I am feeling pretty great :)

One thing I will share with you is that since my last post, I have lost 5.8kg!!! That's almost 13 POUNDS!!! Ugh, I am beyond thrilled.

But I do miss you all; I miss blogging and sharing my feelings, I just need to tackle this MCAT and then we shall be together again!!! Until then...

Always,
TisbA ♥

I need a Bahamavention...

...in other words: a vacation.

I went to Europe with my family last summer and I have to say that I truly enjoyed myself (especially since it was on my parents' dime!), but that was almost a year ago and I really want to do something again.

My semester is finally over (woo-hoo!) but my MCAT class starts in a few weeks (boo!). I was talking with my friend about to going to Atlantic City for a weekend to gamble and hit up clubs--I'd much rather go some place warm though! I want to sit on a beach, with a drink in my hand, and a masseuse at my back... I just want to RELAX.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to plan trips on my own; the only trip I've ever been on with friends was to Atlanta last year for Greek Picnic (I'm in an NPHC sorority) and that was a BLAST!!! It was only 2½ days, but I had SO much fun!! Greek Picnic is every June, but it's out of the question this year since I'll be taking that MCAT course (boo! (again))

I need to do something this summer or I will go crazy. SOMETHING.

Any suggestions?? I'd like to stay on the Atlantic coast, but I have a passport, so I can go out of the country. Let me know!!

Toodles...

♥

Whaddup Peeps!!!

Isn't this little chickie CUTE??!! Ugh... adorable...

HAPPY EASTER!! It's finally Springtime!! I absolutely love this season because everything seems to be coming back to life; starting over anew!! I'm sure it's no coincidence that Easter takes place during this time. Christians believe that Easter is the day Jesus was risen from the dead after being crucified. In sacrificing himself for our sins, he gave all Christians fresh start.

Easter also marks the end of Lent. That's right―I'm once again free to stalk as I please!!!

But, I won't.

Lent is a time to be reflective and try and make changes. Now that it's over, I've decided to ease up a bit on the stalking because it's not doing me much good and most times only leaves me feeling sad and irritable―specifically after checking up on my ex- Y. Remember how I said I'd only look at her profile if she popped up in my Facebook mini-feed? Well, towards the end of Lent, she was like in it every other day, so I would check and see updates about her and N and their perfect relationship. It TOTALLY sucked.

I finally vented all my frustrations onto a good friend of mine and she asked me if I had ever considered deleting Y. I said I had, but I was too scared that once I deleted her, she wouldn't even notice―or worse, wouldn't even care and then I would lose all ties with her. My friend suggested instead that I delete Y from my mini-feed; it's an option that makes it so a person's status updates, photos, posts, et cetera don't appear on your homepage. At first, I was hesitant to do even that, but I finally did it and you know what? It felt good. It wasn't permanent, and I could still check her profile if I really wanted to, but I'm not going to.. at least not the 20-30 times a day I used to at my worst and most obsessive times. Ugh... I almost sound crazy! If anyone else told me something like that, I'd think they were a complete LOON.

Anyway, so yeah... I'm going to sit back and try and start living my life again. Not to say that I won't ever check Y's profile, but now I know that I have the power to keep it in check. I still want to confront her one day and tell her all my feelings, but I don't know when that will be... I've said I want to wait until she and N break up, but who knows? What if she marries her?? Sad/pathetic story: when gay marriage was legalized in Washington D.C. not long ago, my immediate thought after "oh, that's so great!" was "oh, crap! what if they move to D.C. and get married?!" The thought seemed even more plausible because Y had a status awhile back about how N told her that her dream wedding dress was $5000. I couldn't help but think how Y would have reacted if it were I that said such a thing (my dream dress is by a designer whose gowns start at $3000) that she would have labeled me a shallow, spoiled brat. Ugh... ok, enough.

So, I am moving on! It's disgustingly pathetic that I've let myself feel like crap for more than a year over someone who has absolutely no clue. Now, now... don't think this means that I won't ever mention Y again, because I inevitably will, but just know that I'm working towards getting myself together and starting to be more positive about things, ok? Ok!

Gosh! ^^That's a lot of text!^^ I think I'm done for now... I actually have other stuff to update you all on, but I'll save that for tomorrow.

Welp, I'm at work so...........................

BYE!!!

-Tisba
♥

You can't please everyone.....

...... especially not my father.

I just had a huge fight with him tonight. I mean, we were really, really yelling at each other. I don't like disrespecting my parents, but I'm really bad at biting my tongue and staying quiet when I feel like I should be defending myself. It all started when he, while asking my brother about why he missed church, mentioned how neither of us had "any type of clear career path". Me? The same "me" who has a degree from a tier 1 university? The same "me" who has worked up from intern to coordinator at my current organization in less than a year? The same "me" who has been gainfully employed since graduating and is actively applying to medical school??? Comparing me to my brother; who has yet to finish his undergrad degree, get a job, or pay for anything he owns himself at 27; is quite laughable and downright ridiculous.

My dad does this a lot. He makes me feel bad about not going to medical school right after graduation (in 2006). What makes it worse is that I changed my major half-way into undergrad and went from physiology/neurobiology to public health (which was tantamount to me saying "mom and dad, I'm dropping out of college and, by the way, I'm pregnant"). He told me tonight that my life "was over" (at 26, right?) and that I was "Going nowhere" as my peers "lapped me in achievement" and that at 26 I "have nothing to show for it". He then proceeded to name the numerous cousins and children of family friends who had either started or finished residency and who were now either getting married or buying homes. FYI: If a Nigerian woman is over 27 and not in residency, PhD candidacy, or married, she is a failure. Ask anybody (Nigerian). I have one year left before I become part of the dregs of society.

I did mention I'm Nigerian, right? If you know anything about Nigerians, or foreign parents in general, you'll know that they have very high standards regarding education. For me and my cousins as well as Nigerian/Indian/Chinese/foreign friends, we all know that if you're not a doctor, engineer, or pharmacist, you might as well go kill yourself right now because you are all but worthless in our communities. Of course I don't agree with this; not every single Nigerian I know is an MD, PharmD, or PhD, but there are quite a few; I'd say about 60% of my friends. Oh, did I mention both my parents are also surgeons?? Yeah, so there's no "do your best, honey" because my best has to be better than their best... at least that's how they measure success.

Now, I know I haven't taken a direct path to medical school, but damn it, I'm trying! I'm working hard finishing pre-reqs and I am trying. It's very difficult for me to see my peers graduating pharmacy school and medical school, heading off to residency and not feel left behind. I'm going to be 27 soon, damn near 30 and I feel unaccomplished. I want to be on par with those around me.

I'm not pursing medical school just to please my parents, as so many people think and freely suggest as the reason why I say I want to be a doctor (I fucking hate that). I seriously feel that there is no way I'll be happy or fulfilled with my life unless I'm a physician. I love science and medicine. I read medical journals for fun. I love learning about rare diseases and I get a thrill when I identify diseases before doctors do on TLC's "Mystery Diagnosis" series. I want the opportunity at that one-on-one interaction with a patient. I see the way my parents are with their patients and I admire it greatly. Plus, I've always wanted to be able to say, "trust me; I'm a doctor..." ☺

I took a practice MCAT yesterday with Princeton Review and I finally decided to take the July exam after putting it off for so many years. I admit it: I've been afraid of applying to medical school; I have been afraid of what would happen if I didn't get in. What would my parents say? What would my friends say? A lot of people expect me to be a doctor, especially because my parents are doctors (why could they be bus drivers or garbage collectors? not that there's anything wrong with that, but damn, I wouldn't have to aim so high).

I know I'm not exactly a dinosaur, but can't help but feel old (by African standards) when I look at people my age and see what they are up to compared to myself. Nevertheless, I still find encouragement in others pursuing the same career path as me and some who are doing it later in life. I know all is not lost; I can still do it.

I'll let you all know how it goes...

♥ TisbA

First Friday of Lent...

... and I ate ham. BLASPHEMY!!!

But it was so tasty, Lord help me...

So, this year for Lent, I am fasting until 6:00pm and I've given up my favorite past time: stalking. Yes, ladies... I, TisbA, have promised to refrain from stalking people for 40 days and 40 nights plus Sundays (which are not counted during Lent).

For those of you unfamiliar with Lent, it is a time of fasting, abstinence and penitence which starts after Mardi Gras (which translates to "Fat Tuesday" but some call it Shrove Tuesday) and begins the day of Ash Wednesday... anyone else notice Biden's ashes Wednesday??? I did; made me happy for some reason... :)

Anyhoo... during this time, most observers give up something like eating one meal a day, forgoing alcohol or even their daily frappucino or vow to do more of something else, and instead use the money they would have spent on those things and donate it to charity or do community service and pray more. Lenten practices are usually not observed on Sundays which are treated like "mini-Easters" and are a day of celebration. For the most part, Lent is a time of reflection and aspiration to become a better person.

As I noted above, I'll be fasting which I have stuck to, but the one meal a day thing I've totally blown. Hunger induces binging for me and that is partly why I chose to fast because I know food has a hold on me which is very similar to my obsession with knowing what others are doing/thinking/saying (e.g. stalking). Both of these things can sometimes consume me; leading me to waste time (and calories).

As part of my Lenten devotion, I've said I would not check my ex-'s Facebook page (unless she pops up in my mini-feed, then it's fair game). But other than that, I've removed her page from the list of bookmarks on my Blackberry and I no longer check her blog or N's blog. It's been kind of a relief really. Instead of reading a status of hers that leaves me depressed and moody for the rest of the day/week, I rarely think about it and instead assume the worst (best, in my opinion) that they have broken up. I'm sick, I know :)

Anyway... I'm still tackling the binging. As soon as my phone alarm goes off at 6 o' clock, I say a short prayer then do my best to keep from eating everything I see. I brought two Fiber One® bars with me to eat at work today, but we had a staff meeting and they ordered pizza: high-carb kryptonite.

I've been praying for God to give me strength; strength not to binge, strength to treat food as my fuel and not my foe, and strength to appreciate the fact that not every has access to food like I do, so I should be grateful not gluttonous.

Everyday is a struggle, but I can make it through... with God's help.

Amen.

McQueen is Dead. Long Live McQueen.

This is such a sad day... in fashion and in general. Four-time winner of the British Fashion Designer of the Year award, Sir Alexander McQueen is dead.

It's not obviously apprearnt, but I love, LOVE, ♥ fashion. Haute couture, prêt-à-Porter, footwear, handbags... everything. Mostly, I enjoy looking at it since I can't afford the things I truly love. Many of those beloved things were the creation of designer Alexander McQueen. He was a phenomenal fashion genious whose avant-garde style and performance-like runway shows were beyond compare. Adored by celebrities like Rihanna and SJP, and whose designs are worn by Lady Gaga in her "Bad Romance" video; McQueen made beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL work.

Lee Alexander McQueen was found dead today of an appaerant suicide. Someone who was so famous, so rich, so talented, and so loved by so many took his own life. Suicide is so sad and I can't begin to pretend to know what is going through the mind of a person who is contemplating taking their own life. All I can say is that if you know someone who is becoming withdrawn or acting differently, don't dismiss it; show concern... you never know what they can be going theough. I know life gets bad, it gets depressing, I get depressed, but I still know that for me, nothing can ever be as bad for me to want to kill myself. I could be in debt up to a billion dollars and weigh 300 pounds, but I know I could still go on living. I know not everyone feels that way, but I hope people turn away from suicide as an option and look to solve their problems another way. If you ever need to talk, on this blog or off, I'm here; I really don't mind. Even one person dying from suicide is too sad and too great of a loss to humanity.

God Save McQueen ♥