FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL

I took two Adderall® this morning, but I had skipped a dose yesterday, so I was already hungry when I woke up.

Late to church, I skipped service and went to the food court at the mall and ate a 2-entree meal at Panda Express®—orange chicken and mushroom chicken with ½ white rice, ½ fried rice.

I sat down at a table and stuffed my face. Afterward, I sat and cried quietly as a Beyoncé video played on the TV screen.

I feel like such a FAILURE.

I went to Target® to buy new headphones for my iPod®. In addition, I bought a pair of socks and a yellow t-shirt. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror—I looked like shit. I started pinching the fat on my stomach; I can't believe I let people see me like this.

I walked to the check out line, still pinching my stomach, covering it with the shirt I was about to buy. The guy at the register told me, “Smile! You look nice!” Clearly, he was a lunatic... or just trying to be nice to the pitiful fat girl before him.

I half smiled and left.

I have binged ALL WEEKEND LONG. I weighed myself today: 2.6kg heavier. Nearly six pounds in 3 days. I was too lazy to throw up anything I ate. I am so WEAK. I was doing so well...

My new Rx for Adderall XR® costs $130 for a 30-day supply. I just wasted $8.66.

I cannot quit. I've worked too hard. My friend's birthday party is in 6 days; I MUST lose this weight by then. I have to. I can't let her see how fat I've gotten. I still need to find a pink dress to stuff myself into.

I'm going to promise not to eat the rest of the day. Only water. I can do it. Watch me.

Am I really losing weight..??

So, the scale says I've lost another 2.2kg (4.84 pounds) since my last post. I am so confused right now. The scale says one thing, but my body feels another way. I mean, I can tell that my clothes fit differently and people keep telling me that I look like I've lost weight, but I still don't see it for myself.

I'm 2 pounds away from what I weighed at graduation 4 years ago, but I feel like I don't look like I did back then. My stomach looks bigger, my thighs look fatter---I just feel like I'm still bigger than the scale says.

I looked back at my weight log, and I've lost a total of 9kg (19.8 pounds) since I started this blog... but I can't tell you where the hell it went. I still feel big, bloated and fat. Maybe I should go shopping and see if I can stuff myself into a smaller size; maybe then I'll start to realize if I'm really as small as people say... I'm still nowhere near where I'd actually want to be, however, so I'm still trying to lose.

(sad face)

My name is TisbA and I'm a nacraholic.........

I can quit whenever I want!!! WHENEVER I WANT!!!

Starting tomorrow…

Ok, so I wouldn't say that I'm an addict, but I certainly like taking Adderall® and the way it makes me feel. I’ve taken Adderall® in the past, but only during finals time. This semester, I took some so I could stay up all night studying for my orgo exam. As exciting as organic chemistry must sound, I have a hard time concentrating if I’m not understanding material and have to repeat reaction/mechanism steps over and over—I lose focus. So, I’ve been trying to study for regular exams like I would the final, hence the pill-popping and all-nighters.

For those of you who have taken Adderall®, or any amphetamine for that matter, you know that it not only keeps you wide awake and alert, but that it also curbs your appetite (umm, AWESOME??) Yeah, so in addition to being able to focus on nucleophilic addition and Diels-Alder reactions (my FAVE!! No, really… they’re so much fun!!) I've also been losing weight!! Ugh... you don't understand how happy this makes me!! FINALLY, I can control my binging and focus on school and I have more energy to work out!!

Ok, so ^^^that^^^ was last week Wednesday... the days after that were a little different...

First of all, I had been taking my brother's Adderall® XR (I know it's unlawful; SUE ME) and finally got my own prescription on Thursday. Since I haven't met my $1200 deductible on my insurance, the Adderall® XR costs me $145 for a 30-day supply of the GENERIC. Me at the register ---> O_o
Umm... YEAH and RIGHT!! So, I went back to my doctor and she suggested I try the regular Adderall®, which is $13 for the same supply, and see how that works for me.

So yeah... regular Adderall® totally pales in comparison to its extended release sibling. The first two days on it, I was exhausted!! What the F*CK??!! Usually on the XR, I was noticeably more alert within 10-15 minutes of downing the pill; this crappy drug took more than 3 days for my body to get used to. To coupled with being tired, I was also always hungry :(
You all know iHate making myself vomit—but for three days straight, that's exactly what I did after I binged on everything from enchiladas to walnut rum cake. I even threw up twice in one day, TWO days in a row—it was awful. I seriously never want to do that again...

Sidebar: one of my co-workers mentioned to me that I was losing weight; she jokingly said, "What are you doing? Purging?!" and laughed. I was shocked for like 0.2 seconds then I realized "You better laugh, TisbA, or she'll get suspicious!!" *Potentially awkward workplace moment adverted*

So, now it's Tuesday and things seem to finally be getting back to normal. I've lost the 1.4kg I gained over my binging episode and I feel a bit more focused and I'm not feeling hungry today at all after only having 2 sugar-free Fudgsicles® (80 cals.) Nevertheless, I think I will still ask my doctor for the XR prescription since I feel that it works so much better and keeps me alert longer. I have an HSA account I can use for doctor's co-pays and medications which I don't use much, so I might as well start using it now!

Don't get me wrong—I know I have to eat, so I still make myself sit down to a small, low-cal meal at least three times a day (usually 2 fat-free yogurts) or other good-for-TisbA foods. I also know that some might view my use of Adderall® as abuse—I won't disagree with you but I do believe that this is something I need to take to help me concentrate better and have the energy to study massive amounts of organic chemistry and actually have it stick in my brain. You've heard of Rogaine®, right? Well, this loss of appetite is a normal (and welcomed!) side effect just like how those men in clinical trials for a heart medicine discovered they were growing hair atop their formerly bald heads. SAME DIFF!

My only regret in taking Adderall® is not doing it sooner; maybe some of these B-minuses on my transcript could have been A-pluses and department store mirrors would be nicer to me. Hindsight is 20/20...

TisbA
-♥

p.s. I never did catch you all up on my doctor's visit: she said that she could hear a small "click" when she listened to my heart. What the FUCK is a "click" and why is my heart clicking, you ask??!! Believe me, I asked the same thing!! She meant that I have mitral valve prolapse.







www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov for Google Health says: "The mitral valve helps blood on the left side of the heart flow in one direction. It closes to keep blood from moving backwards when the heart beats (contracts). Mitral valve prolapse is the term used when the valve does not close properly. It can be caused by many different things. In most cases, it is harmless and patients usually do not know they have the problem. As much as 10% of the population has some minor, insignificant form of mitral valve prolapse, but it does not generally affect their lifestyle."

She said I was fine and the palpitations I was having were probably due to me stressing over the fact that I was stressing. They haven't occurred since, but I'm still being mindful of it and keeping the vomiting at bay. I'm going to get an EKG soon just to be on the safe side... so, it's all good :)

0.2kg...

...is what kept me from starting my day off right yesterday. I had gained instead of lost. I felt horrible, especially since I had thrown up my dinner the night before and was really expecting to see a difference...

Like I mentioned before, I'm fasting for Lent and though it is not a diet, Wednesday was really difficult for me. I was feeling dizzy and light-headed and my stomach had been growling violently all morning. I desperately wanted to eat something, even a single peanut would have satiated me... but I kept thinking about my Lenten sacrifice...

Some people don't even have food. Children go hungry for weeks at a time and here I was complaining about going without food for a few hours. Because I didn't want to "disappoint God" or pass out, I called my church and spoke to a priest. She (I'm Episcopalian!) told me that the hunger I was feeling inside was my hunger for God, and though she advising most people to simply eat 2 smaller meals for breakfast and lunch instead of going without food all day, I should pray to God for him to fill my emptiness. She also advised me to have something small to keep my energy up. I ended up drinking 2 cups of Ceylon tea and praying about it. I felt better.

Today, I weighed myself and I'd lost 0.4kg since yesterday. Ok... decent. Then, I got in the shower and, as I sometimes do, I weighed myself again. I'd "lost" another 0.8kg. That makes no sense to me, so I'm not going to count it as a real loss in my weight log... but I'm not gonna lie; it did make me feel better about myself.

It's Friday and most people usually fast until 5:00PM on Fridays during Lent; I'm going to try for all day. Honestly, I'm not trying to one-up other Lent observers! LOL... I'm just trying to discipline myself more, something I want to continue post-Lent as well.

TTYL...
♥ TisbA

I feel good today...

... I weighed myself today after a failed attempt at CR the day prior and to my pleasant surprise, I lost 1kg!!

Note: I live in America, but I record my weight in kilograms; it just makes me feel better. I used to weigh myself in pounds until my best friend (my scale of nearly 9 years) suddenly switched itself into kilograms and I never figured out how to switch it back!! Hence, my life in kgs began. 1 kilogram = 2.2 pounds, BTW...

Anyhoo... this +2 pound loss has reinvigorated me a bit. Also, reading the blogs I follow has also inspired and encouraged me. So many people are struggling, but we're all doing it together.

Today, I will do better. Today will be better than yesterday...