GLUTTONY

OMG... I just binged on Chinese food.... damn drug reps. Pharmaceutical company representatives bring calorie-laden lunches and dinners to my parents' office and they bring it home where I pounce on it like a gluttonous beast...

I soOoOo should have taken some Adderall® today; I got off of it after my orgo final. Time to get back on that regimen. This cannot continue.

Now if you'll pardon me... I have a date with a porcelain goddess...

My name is TisbA and I'm a nacraholic.........

I can quit whenever I want!!! WHENEVER I WANT!!!

Starting tomorrow…

Ok, so I wouldn't say that I'm an addict, but I certainly like taking Adderall® and the way it makes me feel. I’ve taken Adderall® in the past, but only during finals time. This semester, I took some so I could stay up all night studying for my orgo exam. As exciting as organic chemistry must sound, I have a hard time concentrating if I’m not understanding material and have to repeat reaction/mechanism steps over and over—I lose focus. So, I’ve been trying to study for regular exams like I would the final, hence the pill-popping and all-nighters.

For those of you who have taken Adderall®, or any amphetamine for that matter, you know that it not only keeps you wide awake and alert, but that it also curbs your appetite (umm, AWESOME??) Yeah, so in addition to being able to focus on nucleophilic addition and Diels-Alder reactions (my FAVE!! No, really… they’re so much fun!!) I've also been losing weight!! Ugh... you don't understand how happy this makes me!! FINALLY, I can control my binging and focus on school and I have more energy to work out!!

Ok, so ^^^that^^^ was last week Wednesday... the days after that were a little different...

First of all, I had been taking my brother's Adderall® XR (I know it's unlawful; SUE ME) and finally got my own prescription on Thursday. Since I haven't met my $1200 deductible on my insurance, the Adderall® XR costs me $145 for a 30-day supply of the GENERIC. Me at the register ---> O_o
Umm... YEAH and RIGHT!! So, I went back to my doctor and she suggested I try the regular Adderall®, which is $13 for the same supply, and see how that works for me.

So yeah... regular Adderall® totally pales in comparison to its extended release sibling. The first two days on it, I was exhausted!! What the F*CK??!! Usually on the XR, I was noticeably more alert within 10-15 minutes of downing the pill; this crappy drug took more than 3 days for my body to get used to. To coupled with being tired, I was also always hungry :(
You all know iHate making myself vomit—but for three days straight, that's exactly what I did after I binged on everything from enchiladas to walnut rum cake. I even threw up twice in one day, TWO days in a row—it was awful. I seriously never want to do that again...

Sidebar: one of my co-workers mentioned to me that I was losing weight; she jokingly said, "What are you doing? Purging?!" and laughed. I was shocked for like 0.2 seconds then I realized "You better laugh, TisbA, or she'll get suspicious!!" *Potentially awkward workplace moment adverted*

So, now it's Tuesday and things seem to finally be getting back to normal. I've lost the 1.4kg I gained over my binging episode and I feel a bit more focused and I'm not feeling hungry today at all after only having 2 sugar-free Fudgsicles® (80 cals.) Nevertheless, I think I will still ask my doctor for the XR prescription since I feel that it works so much better and keeps me alert longer. I have an HSA account I can use for doctor's co-pays and medications which I don't use much, so I might as well start using it now!

Don't get me wrong—I know I have to eat, so I still make myself sit down to a small, low-cal meal at least three times a day (usually 2 fat-free yogurts) or other good-for-TisbA foods. I also know that some might view my use of Adderall® as abuse—I won't disagree with you but I do believe that this is something I need to take to help me concentrate better and have the energy to study massive amounts of organic chemistry and actually have it stick in my brain. You've heard of Rogaine®, right? Well, this loss of appetite is a normal (and welcomed!) side effect just like how those men in clinical trials for a heart medicine discovered they were growing hair atop their formerly bald heads. SAME DIFF!

My only regret in taking Adderall® is not doing it sooner; maybe some of these B-minuses on my transcript could have been A-pluses and department store mirrors would be nicer to me. Hindsight is 20/20...

TisbA
-♥

p.s. I never did catch you all up on my doctor's visit: she said that she could hear a small "click" when she listened to my heart. What the FUCK is a "click" and why is my heart clicking, you ask??!! Believe me, I asked the same thing!! She meant that I have mitral valve prolapse.







www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov for Google Health says: "The mitral valve helps blood on the left side of the heart flow in one direction. It closes to keep blood from moving backwards when the heart beats (contracts). Mitral valve prolapse is the term used when the valve does not close properly. It can be caused by many different things. In most cases, it is harmless and patients usually do not know they have the problem. As much as 10% of the population has some minor, insignificant form of mitral valve prolapse, but it does not generally affect their lifestyle."

She said I was fine and the palpitations I was having were probably due to me stressing over the fact that I was stressing. They haven't occurred since, but I'm still being mindful of it and keeping the vomiting at bay. I'm going to get an EKG soon just to be on the safe side... so, it's all good :)

Matters of the heart...

Specifically, my (anatomical) heart and how its acting right now…

On Sunday and Monday, I binged and threw up in the evenings. My vomiting episodes range from once monthly to once weekly, but this is probably only the second time I’ve eaten and thrown up two days in a row, but both times I seemed to experience palpitations and a rapid heart rate; I would take my pulse and it would be racing. This also happens to me on other occasions, but rarely.

I know vomiting can cause an electrolyte imbalance which can lead to cardiac issues, but I always make sure to drink water+table salt or Pedialyte® after an episode. Even still, I think that only occurs in extreme cases. Nevertheless… it’s freaking me out!! I’m a hypochondriac, I admit, but with good reason!!! I always hear about stories where people dismissed arm tingling as pins and needles when, lo and behold, they were having a stroke! Or when someone will down a whole bunch of antacids to cure a “stomach ache” when all the sudden, BOOM, their appendix bursts! Plus, the fact that my parents are doctors and I’m so into health and diseases, I’ve become hyper-aware of my body and its functions. Once, I called my mom from school crying and insisted on getting a CT scan that same day because of a headache I’d had for 3 days which I thought it was an aneurysm… they found nothing, but better safe than sorry!!

Anyhoo… I haven’t thrown up since Monday, but that hasn’t stopped me from binging which just builds my anxiety about gaining weight. I need to get back in the gym… and see a doctor! I made an appointment with a primary care physician for next week, so I’ll see how that goes. I also decided to forgo resuming my Adderall® until this is settled. I don’t need anything else jackin’ up my heart rate unnecessarily…

I’ll update you later.
♥

0.2kg...

...is what kept me from starting my day off right yesterday. I had gained instead of lost. I felt horrible, especially since I had thrown up my dinner the night before and was really expecting to see a difference...

Like I mentioned before, I'm fasting for Lent and though it is not a diet, Wednesday was really difficult for me. I was feeling dizzy and light-headed and my stomach had been growling violently all morning. I desperately wanted to eat something, even a single peanut would have satiated me... but I kept thinking about my Lenten sacrifice...

Some people don't even have food. Children go hungry for weeks at a time and here I was complaining about going without food for a few hours. Because I didn't want to "disappoint God" or pass out, I called my church and spoke to a priest. She (I'm Episcopalian!) told me that the hunger I was feeling inside was my hunger for God, and though she advising most people to simply eat 2 smaller meals for breakfast and lunch instead of going without food all day, I should pray to God for him to fill my emptiness. She also advised me to have something small to keep my energy up. I ended up drinking 2 cups of Ceylon tea and praying about it. I felt better.

Today, I weighed myself and I'd lost 0.4kg since yesterday. Ok... decent. Then, I got in the shower and, as I sometimes do, I weighed myself again. I'd "lost" another 0.8kg. That makes no sense to me, so I'm not going to count it as a real loss in my weight log... but I'm not gonna lie; it did make me feel better about myself.

It's Friday and most people usually fast until 5:00PM on Fridays during Lent; I'm going to try for all day. Honestly, I'm not trying to one-up other Lent observers! LOL... I'm just trying to discipline myself more, something I want to continue post-Lent as well.

TTYL...
♥ TisbA