Thursday, April 29, 2010

Bad news about a friend...

On Tuesday, I learned that a family friend passed away.

He was studying medicine in a European country when he was involved in an accident. He had sustained severe head injuries and had swelling in his brain. The doctors pronounced him brain dead, but his family and many, many people in the U.S., Nigeria and throughout the world prayed for his recovery. Days went by and I was so hopeful he would pull through, but unfortunately, he did not.

He was only 27.

There are still many questions surrounding his passing. The scene of the accident was not investigated properly; repairs had been made within hours of the incident and we're unaware if anyone looked into whether or not anything was faulty or tampered with. He was not immediately taken to a trauma hospital by the ambulance and precious hours were lost before he was finally transferred to a better equipped facility. The laws in that nation state that once declared brain dead, a person must be removed from life support within 6 hours; it took much pleading by his family to the doctors to hold off until his siblings made the cross-Atlantic flight to at least be by his side. Even then, they were not permitted to stay with him after 9:00PM. When he passed, his family wasn't told until much later, after he'd already been moved to the morgue.

My heart breaks for them...

I live in the U.S. and as much as I love Nigeria, this tragedy has reaffirmed my belief that America is the best country in the world, honestly. Here, you must have family permission before life support is discontinued. You can stay with a loved one overnight, around the clock to ensure their comfort and, most of all, proper care. Lastly, family is always and immediately notified should a patient ever go into cardiac arrest.

To all of you who travel or school abroad, know your rights. Know your rights as a citizen in another country. Contact your embassy or consulate and be informed on how the law works in a foreign land. God forbid anything like this ever happen to anyone you know; it is too tragic...

My friend would have made fabulous doctor. He was very smart, very funny, very playful and most of all, very kind. He will be very missed...

Be well

"Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For those who follow godly paths will rest in peace..."
—Isaiah 57:1-2

Sunday, April 25, 2010


I took two Adderall® this morning, but I had skipped a dose yesterday, so I was already hungry when I woke up.

Late to church, I skipped service and went to the food court at the mall and ate a 2-entree meal at Panda Express®—orange chicken and mushroom chicken with ½ white rice, ½ fried rice.

I sat down at a table and stuffed my face. Afterward, I sat and cried quietly as a Beyoncé video played on the TV screen.

I feel like such a FAILURE.

I went to Target® to buy new headphones for my iPod®. In addition, I bought a pair of socks and a yellow t-shirt. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror—I looked like shit. I started pinching the fat on my stomach; I can't believe I let people see me like this.

I walked to the check out line, still pinching my stomach, covering it with the shirt I was about to buy. The guy at the register told me, “Smile! You look nice!” Clearly, he was a lunatic... or just trying to be nice to the pitiful fat girl before him.

I half smiled and left.

I have binged ALL WEEKEND LONG. I weighed myself today: 2.6kg heavier. Nearly six pounds in 3 days. I was too lazy to throw up anything I ate. I am so WEAK. I was doing so well...

My new Rx for Adderall XR® costs $130 for a 30-day supply. I just wasted $8.66.

I cannot quit. I've worked too hard. My friend's birthday party is in 6 days; I MUST lose this weight by then. I have to. I can't let her see how fat I've gotten. I still need to find a pink dress to stuff myself into.

I'm going to promise not to eat the rest of the day. Only water. I can do it. Watch me.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I ♥ this!!!

So if you watched season 5 of Project Runway, you know about Leanne Marshall, the über talented designer and winner of that season!!

Her work is beautiful and I was so sad/mad to see such few (I think ONE) of her pieces on sale at like we had been told they would be as one of her prizes.

Anyway, here is a wedding dress she created for a life-long friend's big day... it's lovely and very romantic-looking!!!

You can read her blog here, though she doesn't post often. I imagine she is far too busy sewing!!!


Monday, April 19, 2010

Am I really losing weight..??

So, the scale says I've lost another 2.2kg (4.84 pounds) since my last post. I am so confused right now. The scale says one thing, but my body feels another way. I mean, I can tell that my clothes fit differently and people keep telling me that I look like I've lost weight, but I still don't see it for myself.

I'm 2 pounds away from what I weighed at graduation 4 years ago, but I feel like I don't look like I did back then. My stomach looks bigger, my thighs look fatter---I just feel like I'm still bigger than the scale says.

I looked back at my weight log, and I've lost a total of 9kg (19.8 pounds) since I started this blog... but I can't tell you where the hell it went. I still feel big, bloated and fat. Maybe I should go shopping and see if I can stuff myself into a smaller size; maybe then I'll start to realize if I'm really as small as people say... I'm still nowhere near where I'd actually want to be, however, so I'm still trying to lose.

(sad face)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

My name is TisbA and I'm a nacraholic.........

I can quit whenever I want!!! WHENEVER I WANT!!!

Starting tomorrow…

Ok, so I wouldn't say that I'm an addict, but I certainly like taking Adderall® and the way it makes me feel. I’ve taken Adderall® in the past, but only during finals time. This semester, I took some so I could stay up all night studying for my orgo exam. As exciting as organic chemistry must sound, I have a hard time concentrating if I’m not understanding material and have to repeat reaction/mechanism steps over and over—I lose focus. So, I’ve been trying to study for regular exams like I would the final, hence the pill-popping and all-nighters.

For those of you who have taken Adderall®, or any amphetamine for that matter, you know that it not only keeps you wide awake and alert, but that it also curbs your appetite (umm, AWESOME??) Yeah, so in addition to being able to focus on nucleophilic addition and Diels-Alder reactions (my FAVE!! No, really… they’re so much fun!!) I've also been losing weight!! Ugh... you don't understand how happy this makes me!! FINALLY, I can control my binging and focus on school and I have more energy to work out!!

Ok, so ^^^that^^^ was last week Wednesday... the days after that were a little different...

First of all, I had been taking my brother's Adderall® XR (I know it's unlawful; SUE ME) and finally got my own prescription on Thursday. Since I haven't met my $1200 deductible on my insurance, the Adderall® XR costs me $145 for a 30-day supply of the GENERIC. Me at the register ---> O_o
Umm... YEAH and RIGHT!! So, I went back to my doctor and she suggested I try the regular Adderall®, which is $13 for the same supply, and see how that works for me.

So yeah... regular Adderall® totally pales in comparison to its extended release sibling. The first two days on it, I was exhausted!! What the F*CK??!! Usually on the XR, I was noticeably more alert within 10-15 minutes of downing the pill; this crappy drug took more than 3 days for my body to get used to. To coupled with being tired, I was also always hungry :(
You all know iHate making myself vomit—but for three days straight, that's exactly what I did after I binged on everything from enchiladas to walnut rum cake. I even threw up twice in one day, TWO days in a row—it was awful. I seriously never want to do that again...

Sidebar: one of my co-workers mentioned to me that I was losing weight; she jokingly said, "What are you doing? Purging?!" and laughed. I was shocked for like 0.2 seconds then I realized "You better laugh, TisbA, or she'll get suspicious!!" *Potentially awkward workplace moment adverted*

So, now it's Tuesday and things seem to finally be getting back to normal. I've lost the 1.4kg I gained over my binging episode and I feel a bit more focused and I'm not feeling hungry today at all after only having 2 sugar-free Fudgsicles® (80 cals.) Nevertheless, I think I will still ask my doctor for the XR prescription since I feel that it works so much better and keeps me alert longer. I have an HSA account I can use for doctor's co-pays and medications which I don't use much, so I might as well start using it now!

Don't get me wrong—I know I have to eat, so I still make myself sit down to a small, low-cal meal at least three times a day (usually 2 fat-free yogurts) or other good-for-TisbA foods. I also know that some might view my use of Adderall® as abuse—I won't disagree with you but I do believe that this is something I need to take to help me concentrate better and have the energy to study massive amounts of organic chemistry and actually have it stick in my brain. You've heard of Rogaine®, right? Well, this loss of appetite is a normal (and welcomed!) side effect just like how those men in clinical trials for a heart medicine discovered they were growing hair atop their formerly bald heads. SAME DIFF!

My only regret in taking Adderall® is not doing it sooner; maybe some of these B-minuses on my transcript could have been A-pluses and department store mirrors would be nicer to me. Hindsight is 20/20...


p.s. I never did catch you all up on my doctor's visit: she said that she could hear a small "click" when she listened to my heart. What the FUCK is a "click" and why is my heart clicking, you ask??!! Believe me, I asked the same thing!! She meant that I have mitral valve prolapse. for Google Health says: "The mitral valve helps blood on the left side of the heart flow in one direction. It closes to keep blood from moving backwards when the heart beats (contracts). Mitral valve prolapse is the term used when the valve does not close properly. It can be caused by many different things. In most cases, it is harmless and patients usually do not know they have the problem. As much as 10% of the population has some minor, insignificant form of mitral valve prolapse, but it does not generally affect their lifestyle."

She said I was fine and the palpitations I was having were probably due to me stressing over the fact that I was stressing. They haven't occurred since, but I'm still being mindful of it and keeping the vomiting at bay. I'm going to get an EKG soon just to be on the safe side... so, it's all good :)

Monday, April 5, 2010

Whaddup Peeps!!!

Isn't this little chickie CUTE??!! Ugh... adorable...

HAPPY EASTER!! It's finally Springtime!! I absolutely love this season because everything seems to be coming back to life; starting over anew!! I'm sure it's no coincidence that Easter takes place during this time. Christians believe that Easter is the day Jesus was risen from the dead after being crucified. In sacrificing himself for our sins, he gave all Christians fresh start.

Easter also marks the end of Lent. That's right―I'm once again free to stalk as I please!!!

But, I won't.

Lent is a time to be reflective and try and make changes. Now that it's over, I've decided to ease up a bit on the stalking because it's not doing me much good and most times only leaves me feeling sad and irritable―specifically after checking up on my ex- Y. Remember how I said I'd only look at her profile if she popped up in my Facebook mini-feed? Well, towards the end of Lent, she was like in it every other day, so I would check and see updates about her and N and their perfect relationship. It TOTALLY sucked.

I finally vented all my frustrations onto a good friend of mine and she asked me if I had ever considered deleting Y. I said I had, but I was too scared that once I deleted her, she wouldn't even notice―or worse, wouldn't even care and then I would lose all ties with her. My friend suggested instead that I delete Y from my mini-feed; it's an option that makes it so a person's status updates, photos, posts, et cetera don't appear on your homepage. At first, I was hesitant to do even that, but I finally did it and you know what? It felt good. It wasn't permanent, and I could still check her profile if I really wanted to, but I'm not going to.. at least not the 20-30 times a day I used to at my worst and most obsessive times. Ugh... I almost sound crazy! If anyone else told me something like that, I'd think they were a complete LOON.

Anyway, so yeah... I'm going to sit back and try and start living my life again. Not to say that I won't ever check Y's profile, but now I know that I have the power to keep it in check. I still want to confront her one day and tell her all my feelings, but I don't know when that will be... I've said I want to wait until she and N break up, but who knows? What if she marries her?? Sad/pathetic story: when gay marriage was legalized in Washington D.C. not long ago, my immediate thought after "oh, that's so great!" was "oh, crap! what if they move to D.C. and get married?!" The thought seemed even more plausible because Y had a status awhile back about how N told her that her dream wedding dress was $5000. I couldn't help but think how Y would have reacted if it were I that said such a thing (my dream dress is by a designer whose gowns start at $3000) that she would have labeled me a shallow, spoiled brat. Ugh... ok, enough.

So, I am moving on! It's disgustingly pathetic that I've let myself feel like crap for more than a year over someone who has absolutely no clue. Now, now... don't think this means that I won't ever mention Y again, because I inevitably will, but just know that I'm working towards getting myself together and starting to be more positive about things, ok? Ok!

Gosh! ^^That's a lot of text!^^ I think I'm done for now... I actually have other stuff to update you all on, but I'll save that for tomorrow.

Welp, I'm at work so...........................