Night On The Town Before Lockdown...

Hello people :)

So, I just want to briefly tell you about my weekend. Friday and Saturday were my official "final outings" until my MCAT exam. I know you must have Googled it already, but for those that don't know, the MCAT is the medical college admission test which is given in the U.S. and Canada and required for admission to medical school. It's a big, life-changing exam and I am really nervous about it, BUT.... I decided to forget about it for a couple hours and enjoy 2 nights out with friends.

The first night was a dinner with friends. I had on this beautiful black, printed sheath dress with a black ribbon cuff and my favorite pearls. I also accomplished a great smokey-eye look with my eyeshadow. For a while, I had been confused as to how to translate my daytime make-up to a nighttime look and finally realized that it was through the drama of eye make-up. Anyway... I looked H-O-T!! I was, per usual, fashionably late to the dinner and when greeting my friends, I didn't even notice exactly who was all there until I sat down. Sitting diagonally to me at the table was a fine, fine piece of man candy; he is a BEAUTIFUL man!! Think Tyson Beckford body, Morris Chestnut skin and voice, with just an awesome face... Mmm... too bad he wasn't on the menu!! Anyway, I could feel him staring at me throughout the night and I was definitely pleased with myself as because I know I looked GREAT. He and I had gone out on a date with the year prior and I knew what he was thinking: Damn, I should have asked her out on a second date!

Sorry, boo. You had your chance :)

At the end of the dinner, he said he had "parked far" and asked for a ride to his car; I obliged. He started talking about "how busy" he had been, basically trying to explain away the last 12 months he spent not calling me. I just "Uh-huh"ed everything he said and reassured him I had been equally as busy. I love it when you see someone after a long time and you can feel the regret they have about not keeping in touch with you. Even though he is handsomely delicious, I would never give him the honor of another date with me—I don't care how chocolaty he is!!

I drove home, smiling to myself, happy to have the last laugh.

The next night was another party for a friend. This was going to be a bigger event at a banquet hall. I knew a lot of people from the Nigerian community would be there, so I wanted to show up and show out!! I wore this emerald colored dress with jewels bordering the neckline and bodice with my requisite pearls and an adorable brocade clutch. I had actually did a test run of my make-up in between studying earlier in the day, so I knew exactly what to do with my eyes. I had a special incentive to go to this party because I wanted to see a friend whom I hadn't spoken to in some time. He and I kind of have a thing for each other, but we've never been really serious (or public) about it. It's funny because the first time he ever mentioned interest in me was once when I was crying to him about the feelings I still had for my female ex- Y, he said he "thought I was over women and would finely give him a chance". I was very surprised, but not much (aside from a few make out sessions) ever came from it. After that, he started seeing someone and that was that...

Anyway, I was looking to try and re-ignite some of the feelings from before since I heard he was no longer dating. He was the host and he was running around the entire night. Every time I tried to catch him, we could only speak for a moment. I never got a chance to pull him aside and really chat him up. I stayed until the very end of the party and in a last ditch attempt to get his attention, I asked him to walk me to my car. At that exact moment, a good friend of both of ours (I guess noticing how tired he was along with being oblivious to my intentions) offered me a ride to my car instead. At that point, if I continued to insist he walk me to my car, it might arouse suspicion, so I accepted the ride and kissed my chance at some action goodbye... until next time...

The night wasn't a total loss; I had a great time, caught up with friends... as well as some non-friends and tons of people saw me looking FAB and would undoubtedly go tell others... LOL. I felt good.

Now it's back to studying as usual. I cannot wait to take this exam. I'm thinking of planning a celebratory trip somewhere... I don't know where yet, but I will keep you posted!!

We still have more to catch up on, so stay tuned!!

♥ TisbA

SoOoOo... It's been awhile....

OMG, guys!!! I am SO sorry to have left you all. I have been oh-so-busy studying ferociously for my MCAT. My test prep course just wrapped up and I am counting down the weeks until the end of MCAT Season.

I have SO many stories and updates for you all!!! I don't have time to get into all of it right now, but upcoming posts will fill you all in on all the stuff that's happened to me in the past 2-½ months... lots of changes, good and not so good, but right now I am feeling pretty great :)

One thing I will share with you is that since my last post, I have lost 5.8kg!!! That's almost 13 POUNDS!!! Ugh, I am beyond thrilled.

But I do miss you all; I miss blogging and sharing my feelings, I just need to tackle this MCAT and then we shall be together again!!! Until then...

Always,
TisbA ♥

GLUTTONY

OMG... I just binged on Chinese food.... damn drug reps. Pharmaceutical company representatives bring calorie-laden lunches and dinners to my parents' office and they bring it home where I pounce on it like a gluttonous beast...

I soOoOo should have taken some Adderall® today; I got off of it after my orgo final. Time to get back on that regimen. This cannot continue.

Now if you'll pardon me... I have a date with a porcelain goddess...

Slackin' a bit...

Hey y'all!! It's been a minute. I thought I could continue with my every Thursday blog posts, but that was an obvious fail last week!

Anyhoo... I have a couple entries for you all coming up, so stay tuned!! I promise they'll be interesting ;)

♥

I need a Bahamavention...

...in other words: a vacation.

I went to Europe with my family last summer and I have to say that I truly enjoyed myself (especially since it was on my parents' dime!), but that was almost a year ago and I really want to do something again.

My semester is finally over (woo-hoo!) but my MCAT class starts in a few weeks (boo!). I was talking with my friend about to going to Atlantic City for a weekend to gamble and hit up clubs--I'd much rather go some place warm though! I want to sit on a beach, with a drink in my hand, and a masseuse at my back... I just want to RELAX.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to plan trips on my own; the only trip I've ever been on with friends was to Atlanta last year for Greek Picnic (I'm in an NPHC sorority) and that was a BLAST!!! It was only 2½ days, but I had SO much fun!! Greek Picnic is every June, but it's out of the question this year since I'll be taking that MCAT course (boo! (again))

I need to do something this summer or I will go crazy. SOMETHING.

Any suggestions?? I'd like to stay on the Atlantic coast, but I have a passport, so I can go out of the country. Let me know!!

Toodles...

♥

Slice of Happy... ♥

Howdy y'all....

It's been awhile; I've been dealing with a lot of stuff and haven't had time to blog, but now I'm back.

So much drama has been going on: grief, work, school...(I took my orgo final today, though I'd rather forget that ever happened).

Amid all this, I finally had a moment of joy—my slice of happy. That happiness was found in the the bottom of a .99¢ bag of CVS® brand gummi bears.

Yep. Gelatin candies made my day, today. I was up all last night and the night before—with a 2-hour nap in between—studying for my exam. I didn't want food-food, but just something to snack on while I drew my Friedel-Crafts mechanisms and Clemmensen reduction reactions. Gummi bears were the perfect solution! Over the course of 18 hours, that was all I ate—just the one 4-oz. bag!! Four-hundred-twenty calories total; I didn't binge! For once...

Anyhoo, in addition to being a fat-free food, gummi bears also provide 3 grams of protein per serving! Yeah, that exclamation mark didn't make that sound any more exciting, but I'm just trying to look at the bright side of eating nothing but candy for a whole day... I wasn't really hungry because of the Adderall® I had taken earlier, so the gummi bears were just enough to keep me happy.

I know I'm going on and on about some silly candy, but I'm just feeling really good right now. I prayed the Rosary before I studied and I prayed before my exam, like I always do; so I'm not stressed right now... just TIRED! #OMG. I had to will my body to come to work after school; I even took a nap in my car... sOoOo exhausted.

Welp, I'm going to be leaving in an hour and I'm going to hit up the mall to get my nails done, then get a massage—I DESERVE IT!! I think I'll take a nap before "Real Housewives: New York" tonight at 10pm, then go back to sleep! So happy to just RELAX.

I'll be back later to update you on some recent events concerning Y and my ex-boyfriend—I know the 7 of you are on the EDGE of your seats in anticipation!!!

Toodle-loo folks! :)

TisbA
♥

Bad news about a friend...

On Tuesday, I learned that a family friend passed away.

He was studying medicine in a European country when he was involved in an accident. He had sustained severe head injuries and had swelling in his brain. The doctors pronounced him brain dead, but his family and many, many people in the U.S., Nigeria and throughout the world prayed for his recovery. Days went by and I was so hopeful he would pull through, but unfortunately, he did not.

He was only 27.

There are still many questions surrounding his passing. The scene of the accident was not investigated properly; repairs had been made within hours of the incident and we're unaware if anyone looked into whether or not anything was faulty or tampered with. He was not immediately taken to a trauma hospital by the ambulance and precious hours were lost before he was finally transferred to a better equipped facility. The laws in that nation state that once declared brain dead, a person must be removed from life support within 6 hours; it took much pleading by his family to the doctors to hold off until his siblings made the cross-Atlantic flight to at least be by his side. Even then, they were not permitted to stay with him after 9:00PM. When he passed, his family wasn't told until much later, after he'd already been moved to the morgue.

My heart breaks for them...

I live in the U.S. and as much as I love Nigeria, this tragedy has reaffirmed my belief that America is the best country in the world, honestly. Here, you must have family permission before life support is discontinued. You can stay with a loved one overnight, around the clock to ensure their comfort and, most of all, proper care. Lastly, family is always and immediately notified should a patient ever go into cardiac arrest.

To all of you who travel or school abroad, know your rights. Know your rights as a citizen in another country. Contact your embassy or consulate and be informed on how the law works in a foreign land. God forbid anything like this ever happen to anyone you know; it is too tragic...

My friend would have made fabulous doctor. He was very smart, very funny, very playful and most of all, very kind. He will be very missed...

Be well
♥

"Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For those who follow godly paths will rest in peace..."
—Isaiah 57:1-2

FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL

I took two Adderall® this morning, but I had skipped a dose yesterday, so I was already hungry when I woke up.

Late to church, I skipped service and went to the food court at the mall and ate a 2-entree meal at Panda Express®—orange chicken and mushroom chicken with ½ white rice, ½ fried rice.

I sat down at a table and stuffed my face. Afterward, I sat and cried quietly as a Beyoncé video played on the TV screen.

I feel like such a FAILURE.

I went to Target® to buy new headphones for my iPod®. In addition, I bought a pair of socks and a yellow t-shirt. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror—I looked like shit. I started pinching the fat on my stomach; I can't believe I let people see me like this.

I walked to the check out line, still pinching my stomach, covering it with the shirt I was about to buy. The guy at the register told me, “Smile! You look nice!” Clearly, he was a lunatic... or just trying to be nice to the pitiful fat girl before him.

I half smiled and left.

I have binged ALL WEEKEND LONG. I weighed myself today: 2.6kg heavier. Nearly six pounds in 3 days. I was too lazy to throw up anything I ate. I am so WEAK. I was doing so well...

My new Rx for Adderall XR® costs $130 for a 30-day supply. I just wasted $8.66.

I cannot quit. I've worked too hard. My friend's birthday party is in 6 days; I MUST lose this weight by then. I have to. I can't let her see how fat I've gotten. I still need to find a pink dress to stuff myself into.

I'm going to promise not to eat the rest of the day. Only water. I can do it. Watch me.

I ♥ this!!!

So if you watched season 5 of Project Runway, you know about Leanne Marshall, the über talented designer and winner of that season!!

Her work is beautiful and I was so sad/mad to see such few (I think ONE) of her pieces on sale at Bluefly.com like we had been told they would be as one of her prizes.

Anyway, here is a wedding dress she created for a life-long friend's big day... it's lovely and very romantic-looking!!!

You can read her blog here, though she doesn't post often. I imagine she is far too busy sewing!!!

ENJOY!!

Am I really losing weight..??

So, the scale says I've lost another 2.2kg (4.84 pounds) since my last post. I am so confused right now. The scale says one thing, but my body feels another way. I mean, I can tell that my clothes fit differently and people keep telling me that I look like I've lost weight, but I still don't see it for myself.

I'm 2 pounds away from what I weighed at graduation 4 years ago, but I feel like I don't look like I did back then. My stomach looks bigger, my thighs look fatter---I just feel like I'm still bigger than the scale says.

I looked back at my weight log, and I've lost a total of 9kg (19.8 pounds) since I started this blog... but I can't tell you where the hell it went. I still feel big, bloated and fat. Maybe I should go shopping and see if I can stuff myself into a smaller size; maybe then I'll start to realize if I'm really as small as people say... I'm still nowhere near where I'd actually want to be, however, so I'm still trying to lose.

(sad face)

My name is TisbA and I'm a nacraholic.........

I can quit whenever I want!!! WHENEVER I WANT!!!

Starting tomorrow…

Ok, so I wouldn't say that I'm an addict, but I certainly like taking Adderall® and the way it makes me feel. I’ve taken Adderall® in the past, but only during finals time. This semester, I took some so I could stay up all night studying for my orgo exam. As exciting as organic chemistry must sound, I have a hard time concentrating if I’m not understanding material and have to repeat reaction/mechanism steps over and over—I lose focus. So, I’ve been trying to study for regular exams like I would the final, hence the pill-popping and all-nighters.

For those of you who have taken Adderall®, or any amphetamine for that matter, you know that it not only keeps you wide awake and alert, but that it also curbs your appetite (umm, AWESOME??) Yeah, so in addition to being able to focus on nucleophilic addition and Diels-Alder reactions (my FAVE!! No, really… they’re so much fun!!) I've also been losing weight!! Ugh... you don't understand how happy this makes me!! FINALLY, I can control my binging and focus on school and I have more energy to work out!!

Ok, so ^^^that^^^ was last week Wednesday... the days after that were a little different...

First of all, I had been taking my brother's Adderall® XR (I know it's unlawful; SUE ME) and finally got my own prescription on Thursday. Since I haven't met my $1200 deductible on my insurance, the Adderall® XR costs me $145 for a 30-day supply of the GENERIC. Me at the register ---> O_o
Umm... YEAH and RIGHT!! So, I went back to my doctor and she suggested I try the regular Adderall®, which is $13 for the same supply, and see how that works for me.

So yeah... regular Adderall® totally pales in comparison to its extended release sibling. The first two days on it, I was exhausted!! What the F*CK??!! Usually on the XR, I was noticeably more alert within 10-15 minutes of downing the pill; this crappy drug took more than 3 days for my body to get used to. To coupled with being tired, I was also always hungry :(
You all know iHate making myself vomit—but for three days straight, that's exactly what I did after I binged on everything from enchiladas to walnut rum cake. I even threw up twice in one day, TWO days in a row—it was awful. I seriously never want to do that again...

Sidebar: one of my co-workers mentioned to me that I was losing weight; she jokingly said, "What are you doing? Purging?!" and laughed. I was shocked for like 0.2 seconds then I realized "You better laugh, TisbA, or she'll get suspicious!!" *Potentially awkward workplace moment adverted*

So, now it's Tuesday and things seem to finally be getting back to normal. I've lost the 1.4kg I gained over my binging episode and I feel a bit more focused and I'm not feeling hungry today at all after only having 2 sugar-free Fudgsicles® (80 cals.) Nevertheless, I think I will still ask my doctor for the XR prescription since I feel that it works so much better and keeps me alert longer. I have an HSA account I can use for doctor's co-pays and medications which I don't use much, so I might as well start using it now!

Don't get me wrong—I know I have to eat, so I still make myself sit down to a small, low-cal meal at least three times a day (usually 2 fat-free yogurts) or other good-for-TisbA foods. I also know that some might view my use of Adderall® as abuse—I won't disagree with you but I do believe that this is something I need to take to help me concentrate better and have the energy to study massive amounts of organic chemistry and actually have it stick in my brain. You've heard of Rogaine®, right? Well, this loss of appetite is a normal (and welcomed!) side effect just like how those men in clinical trials for a heart medicine discovered they were growing hair atop their formerly bald heads. SAME DIFF!

My only regret in taking Adderall® is not doing it sooner; maybe some of these B-minuses on my transcript could have been A-pluses and department store mirrors would be nicer to me. Hindsight is 20/20...

TisbA
-♥

p.s. I never did catch you all up on my doctor's visit: she said that she could hear a small "click" when she listened to my heart. What the FUCK is a "click" and why is my heart clicking, you ask??!! Believe me, I asked the same thing!! She meant that I have mitral valve prolapse.







www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov for Google Health says: "The mitral valve helps blood on the left side of the heart flow in one direction. It closes to keep blood from moving backwards when the heart beats (contracts). Mitral valve prolapse is the term used when the valve does not close properly. It can be caused by many different things. In most cases, it is harmless and patients usually do not know they have the problem. As much as 10% of the population has some minor, insignificant form of mitral valve prolapse, but it does not generally affect their lifestyle."

She said I was fine and the palpitations I was having were probably due to me stressing over the fact that I was stressing. They haven't occurred since, but I'm still being mindful of it and keeping the vomiting at bay. I'm going to get an EKG soon just to be on the safe side... so, it's all good :)

Whaddup Peeps!!!

Isn't this little chickie CUTE??!! Ugh... adorable...

HAPPY EASTER!! It's finally Springtime!! I absolutely love this season because everything seems to be coming back to life; starting over anew!! I'm sure it's no coincidence that Easter takes place during this time. Christians believe that Easter is the day Jesus was risen from the dead after being crucified. In sacrificing himself for our sins, he gave all Christians fresh start.

Easter also marks the end of Lent. That's right―I'm once again free to stalk as I please!!!

But, I won't.

Lent is a time to be reflective and try and make changes. Now that it's over, I've decided to ease up a bit on the stalking because it's not doing me much good and most times only leaves me feeling sad and irritable―specifically after checking up on my ex- Y. Remember how I said I'd only look at her profile if she popped up in my Facebook mini-feed? Well, towards the end of Lent, she was like in it every other day, so I would check and see updates about her and N and their perfect relationship. It TOTALLY sucked.

I finally vented all my frustrations onto a good friend of mine and she asked me if I had ever considered deleting Y. I said I had, but I was too scared that once I deleted her, she wouldn't even notice―or worse, wouldn't even care and then I would lose all ties with her. My friend suggested instead that I delete Y from my mini-feed; it's an option that makes it so a person's status updates, photos, posts, et cetera don't appear on your homepage. At first, I was hesitant to do even that, but I finally did it and you know what? It felt good. It wasn't permanent, and I could still check her profile if I really wanted to, but I'm not going to.. at least not the 20-30 times a day I used to at my worst and most obsessive times. Ugh... I almost sound crazy! If anyone else told me something like that, I'd think they were a complete LOON.

Anyway, so yeah... I'm going to sit back and try and start living my life again. Not to say that I won't ever check Y's profile, but now I know that I have the power to keep it in check. I still want to confront her one day and tell her all my feelings, but I don't know when that will be... I've said I want to wait until she and N break up, but who knows? What if she marries her?? Sad/pathetic story: when gay marriage was legalized in Washington D.C. not long ago, my immediate thought after "oh, that's so great!" was "oh, crap! what if they move to D.C. and get married?!" The thought seemed even more plausible because Y had a status awhile back about how N told her that her dream wedding dress was $5000. I couldn't help but think how Y would have reacted if it were I that said such a thing (my dream dress is by a designer whose gowns start at $3000) that she would have labeled me a shallow, spoiled brat. Ugh... ok, enough.

So, I am moving on! It's disgustingly pathetic that I've let myself feel like crap for more than a year over someone who has absolutely no clue. Now, now... don't think this means that I won't ever mention Y again, because I inevitably will, but just know that I'm working towards getting myself together and starting to be more positive about things, ok? Ok!

Gosh! ^^That's a lot of text!^^ I think I'm done for now... I actually have other stuff to update you all on, but I'll save that for tomorrow.

Welp, I'm at work so...........................

BYE!!!

-Tisba
♥

BACK IN BUSINESS!!!

Hello stalkers!!!!

OMG, so I'm soOoOo glad to be back to blogging!!! So, in regards to my farewell post, I might have overreacted. I checked my web history a few days later, and it turns out that my sisters never saw my blog!!! I was BEYOND relieved!!! I thought about changing my URL, but I simply ♥ my witty website name. I mean, "THERishouldbeAPY"?? "I should be in THERAPY"?? That's f*cking AWESOME!!!

So, I'm back, and just in time because my world has been unraveling.........

So many things to share; I actually started making a list of thing I needed to blog about in a note on my BlackBerry™... yep, I sure did!!!

I'm going to start off with something that just happened to me like an hour ago.....

While stalking my ex-boyfriend on Facebook, I saw tagged pictures of him put up by some girl I'd seen on his page every now and then but never thought much of her because frankly... she looks like a potato with hair: frumpy, freckled, and just boring-looking. But today, there were pictures of the two of them standing side by side in what looked like a tropical vacation place. As I investigated further, I realized that the pictures were taken at Epcot (yep, bootleg Disney) but what made me go "hmmm" is the one picture I saw of her kissing him on the cheek, moreover, the picture of him kissing her on the cheek. Further more, the fact that they were at Epcot; this is outside of the state where we live and me and him NEVER went anywhere together that wasn't more than a 3 hour drive away. I found myself surprisingly pissed off---for a little bit. I'm fine now because I know the girl is ugly and if they are dating, then she must not mean much to him because he hasn't changed the status on his Facebook profile for her (yes, I am basing the level of seriousness of their relationship on an online networking site's profile features)

Anyhoo.... I did freak out for the first 5 minutes, I even shed a tear (just one!) I know he's still a loser/cheater and will most likely break her heart, too. To be very honest, I was very surprised that I even felt anything about the matter... not that I'm still in love with him after 2 years, but I was a bit perturbed that he had taken a trip that obviously cost some sort of money with this heif-- I mean girl. He never spent money on me when we were together for over 5 years; now he's taking trips with some chick who he's been with for a few months? iGuess...

His mother still loves me and I talk to her every now and then (on Facebook, nonetheless) and I know there is no way she'd allow him to marry such a girl.

But again, I'm prettier and that's that!

Coming soon:
-My weight :(
-Gay marriage
-Chaz Bono
-Relationships/Engagements
-VOGUE magazine
-My daily and incessant gripes...

Stay tuned...

Knock, knock...

Guess who?!




The wait is over... I am back!




Look forward to many, many updates in the next few days; I have a lot of pent up thoughts and feelings to share with you all.



I'm in the office and actually working, but I'll be blogging soon enough!



Stay tuned...

TisbA ♥

The end is....

.....HERE.

Sorry folks, the blog has gone bust. We're out of business and closing our doors FOREVER!!! Seventy-five percent off everyth---, oh wait.

Yeah, so the jig is up; I've been found out! I gotta go, lest I risk things getting really weird and uncomfortable around my house.

THERishouldbeAPY is dead and has gone to e-heaven.

THERishouldbeAPY is survived by 7 (yay!) followers and numerous stalkers in Great Britain, Australia, and throughout the United States. I appreciated all your words of advice, input, concern and your mere presence.

Thank you and goodnight ladies and gentlemen.

♥ TisbA

Open Letter to My Sisters...

First, I want to say that I love you two so much. You two are like my children and I would do anything for you and anything to protect you.

That being said, this weekend when I let you two use my laptop, I carelessly left my tabs saved to open automatically when you opened the browser. I'm sure you inevitably saw my blog and read every entry, out of pure curiosity. I'm not 100% sure if you read everything, but nevertheless, I was devastated at the prospect of being found out. What would you two think?? What would you say?? I'm too afraid to even ask if you read it because I'm deathly afraid of the awkwardness and possible rejection that might ensue. I rather just assume the worst.

The things I discussed in this blog were; ironically, because it is shared with the world; meant to be private. Things I wrote in here are things I have told very few people or no one at all. A blog is hardly how I would have imagined you would find out such personal and private things about me. Anonymity was so important to me and now that it has been jeopardized, I can no longer continue writing because I am almost certain you will return to this page again.

I love you two so much and I hope you understand that I am not a bad person; I am simply a person who has no other outlet to express feelings that many may view as strange or wrong. I hope we can still be as close as before and I hope most of all, that you don't see me any differently.

♥

I almost gave in...

...so, as you know, I have up stalking and eating before 6pm for Lent.

The fasting was no problem! The issue was that I almost went to my ex-'s Facebook page today; the urge came over me several times... I'm only allowed to go to her page if she pops up in my mini-feed, which she did yesterday, and of course I took the opportunity to examine her page.

She had changed her profile picture to one of her and N... so, bad news: they're still together...

As I prepared to hurl myself into a state of depression, I remembered that I can't keep doing this to myself. Really, I was almost all set to put up a sappy Facebook status, when I thought, "what the fuck is wrong with you?? get over it!! keep movin'..."

Quickly, I smiled; I told myself that this was temporary. They will break up soon and I will happy again (see: disturbed). I also noted that N has fucked up teeth and my teeth are perfect, as well as the fact that Y had always told me sex with me was awesome and the only other person that came close was her ex- of 3 years.

Sadly, these are the demented and trivial things things that keep me afloat in this situation of mine...

I need a distraction... when I was a freshman in college dealing with rejection from a football player who dumped me because I wouldn't have sex with him (I was saving myself for marriage and boys-only then), my friends told me the only way to get over someone is with someone else. Umm, yeah, so I'm not a whore and I can't go sleeping with random girls/guys, but honestly, I just want to feel close to someone again. I'm lonely and it sucks...

I've done pretty damn well staying away from Y's page and her girlfriend's blog. I don't even visit their pages on Sundays when it's "allowed". The real test will come Easter Sunday when Lent will be over and I'll undoubtedly have to restrain myself from e-binging on various Facebook, blogs, DowneLink and Twitter accounts before church service!! LOL!! Ahh... it's funny because it's sad.

Part of me really wants to tell her how I still feel about her. I know now is certainly not the time because I'm sure she could give to fucks about me right now with Snaggletoo--, err, I mean, her girlfriend in the picture. I think about this girl everyday. I was willing to come out for her. I loved her and it still hurts so badly... Maybe that's why I'm so looking forward to her and N breaking up; that will be my only chance to tell her how I feel, because otherwise I'd just look mad foolish....

Lesson learned: If you get a chance to do something, TAKE IT. Otherwise, you will regret it FOREVER.

Goodnight... ★+*.

Matters of the heart...

Specifically, my (anatomical) heart and how its acting right now…

On Sunday and Monday, I binged and threw up in the evenings. My vomiting episodes range from once monthly to once weekly, but this is probably only the second time I’ve eaten and thrown up two days in a row, but both times I seemed to experience palpitations and a rapid heart rate; I would take my pulse and it would be racing. This also happens to me on other occasions, but rarely.

I know vomiting can cause an electrolyte imbalance which can lead to cardiac issues, but I always make sure to drink water+table salt or Pedialyte® after an episode. Even still, I think that only occurs in extreme cases. Nevertheless… it’s freaking me out!! I’m a hypochondriac, I admit, but with good reason!!! I always hear about stories where people dismissed arm tingling as pins and needles when, lo and behold, they were having a stroke! Or when someone will down a whole bunch of antacids to cure a “stomach ache” when all the sudden, BOOM, their appendix bursts! Plus, the fact that my parents are doctors and I’m so into health and diseases, I’ve become hyper-aware of my body and its functions. Once, I called my mom from school crying and insisted on getting a CT scan that same day because of a headache I’d had for 3 days which I thought it was an aneurysm… they found nothing, but better safe than sorry!!

Anyhoo… I haven’t thrown up since Monday, but that hasn’t stopped me from binging which just builds my anxiety about gaining weight. I need to get back in the gym… and see a doctor! I made an appointment with a primary care physician for next week, so I’ll see how that goes. I also decided to forgo resuming my Adderall® until this is settled. I don’t need anything else jackin’ up my heart rate unnecessarily…

I’ll update you later.
♥

3-minute workout

I want to share a mini-workout I stole this from another blogger. It's a great way to start your day off on the right foot, or an energy boost during the day (though, probably not at your desk!) when you can spare a few moments...

The workout is very easy: Pull out the stop watch!

1. three- :20 second intervals sprints in place with pumping arms.

2. three- :20 second intervals jumping jacks with arms out in front.

3. three- :20 second intervals leap frogs or hops.

4. three- :20 second intervals biceps.

5. three- :20 second intervals triceps.

Rest 10 seconds in-between each 20-second interval

Courtesy of LyricGirl

I ♥ my dad...

... even when we fight.

As bad as I felt about what my dad said to me yesterday, I felt worse for yelling at him the way I did; I even woke my mom up, the way I was carrying on. I have an abhorrent temper and razor-sharp tongue and should never treat/speak to my parents that way, no matter what the circumstance...

Short of apologizing, I sent my dad a text message this morning saying "Have a nice day". My dad's response:

"Thank you. I just want you to know that EVERYTHING I say to you is out of love because I want my first daughter to be a success. I LOVE YOU. -Dad"

Of course upon reading this, I burst into tears. I love my dad. I am my father's daughter. We both have issues keeping our emotions in check and because I never mastered the African art of shut-up-and-be-quiet-while-your-parents-yell-at-you, things often escalate out of control. The few times when I have bitten my tongue when getting a tongue-lashing, my dad has always come back to apologize and peace ensued for weeks after... until our next spat, but peace nonetheless!

I don't want to fight with my dad; I know when wants what's best for me and I'm sure he's frustrated and he maybe feels that he's failing as a parent somehow if his children aren't succeeding. I don't want to "prove him wrong", but rather make him proud.

"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you." ~Exodus 20:12
♥

You can't please everyone.....

...... especially not my father.

I just had a huge fight with him tonight. I mean, we were really, really yelling at each other. I don't like disrespecting my parents, but I'm really bad at biting my tongue and staying quiet when I feel like I should be defending myself. It all started when he, while asking my brother about why he missed church, mentioned how neither of us had "any type of clear career path". Me? The same "me" who has a degree from a tier 1 university? The same "me" who has worked up from intern to coordinator at my current organization in less than a year? The same "me" who has been gainfully employed since graduating and is actively applying to medical school??? Comparing me to my brother; who has yet to finish his undergrad degree, get a job, or pay for anything he owns himself at 27; is quite laughable and downright ridiculous.

My dad does this a lot. He makes me feel bad about not going to medical school right after graduation (in 2006). What makes it worse is that I changed my major half-way into undergrad and went from physiology/neurobiology to public health (which was tantamount to me saying "mom and dad, I'm dropping out of college and, by the way, I'm pregnant"). He told me tonight that my life "was over" (at 26, right?) and that I was "Going nowhere" as my peers "lapped me in achievement" and that at 26 I "have nothing to show for it". He then proceeded to name the numerous cousins and children of family friends who had either started or finished residency and who were now either getting married or buying homes. FYI: If a Nigerian woman is over 27 and not in residency, PhD candidacy, or married, she is a failure. Ask anybody (Nigerian). I have one year left before I become part of the dregs of society.

I did mention I'm Nigerian, right? If you know anything about Nigerians, or foreign parents in general, you'll know that they have very high standards regarding education. For me and my cousins as well as Nigerian/Indian/Chinese/foreign friends, we all know that if you're not a doctor, engineer, or pharmacist, you might as well go kill yourself right now because you are all but worthless in our communities. Of course I don't agree with this; not every single Nigerian I know is an MD, PharmD, or PhD, but there are quite a few; I'd say about 60% of my friends. Oh, did I mention both my parents are also surgeons?? Yeah, so there's no "do your best, honey" because my best has to be better than their best... at least that's how they measure success.

Now, I know I haven't taken a direct path to medical school, but damn it, I'm trying! I'm working hard finishing pre-reqs and I am trying. It's very difficult for me to see my peers graduating pharmacy school and medical school, heading off to residency and not feel left behind. I'm going to be 27 soon, damn near 30 and I feel unaccomplished. I want to be on par with those around me.

I'm not pursing medical school just to please my parents, as so many people think and freely suggest as the reason why I say I want to be a doctor (I fucking hate that). I seriously feel that there is no way I'll be happy or fulfilled with my life unless I'm a physician. I love science and medicine. I read medical journals for fun. I love learning about rare diseases and I get a thrill when I identify diseases before doctors do on TLC's "Mystery Diagnosis" series. I want the opportunity at that one-on-one interaction with a patient. I see the way my parents are with their patients and I admire it greatly. Plus, I've always wanted to be able to say, "trust me; I'm a doctor..." ☺

I took a practice MCAT yesterday with Princeton Review and I finally decided to take the July exam after putting it off for so many years. I admit it: I've been afraid of applying to medical school; I have been afraid of what would happen if I didn't get in. What would my parents say? What would my friends say? A lot of people expect me to be a doctor, especially because my parents are doctors (why could they be bus drivers or garbage collectors? not that there's anything wrong with that, but damn, I wouldn't have to aim so high).

I know I'm not exactly a dinosaur, but can't help but feel old (by African standards) when I look at people my age and see what they are up to compared to myself. Nevertheless, I still find encouragement in others pursuing the same career path as me and some who are doing it later in life. I know all is not lost; I can still do it.

I'll let you all know how it goes...

♥ TisbA

0.2kg...

...is what kept me from starting my day off right yesterday. I had gained instead of lost. I felt horrible, especially since I had thrown up my dinner the night before and was really expecting to see a difference...

Like I mentioned before, I'm fasting for Lent and though it is not a diet, Wednesday was really difficult for me. I was feeling dizzy and light-headed and my stomach had been growling violently all morning. I desperately wanted to eat something, even a single peanut would have satiated me... but I kept thinking about my Lenten sacrifice...

Some people don't even have food. Children go hungry for weeks at a time and here I was complaining about going without food for a few hours. Because I didn't want to "disappoint God" or pass out, I called my church and spoke to a priest. She (I'm Episcopalian!) told me that the hunger I was feeling inside was my hunger for God, and though she advising most people to simply eat 2 smaller meals for breakfast and lunch instead of going without food all day, I should pray to God for him to fill my emptiness. She also advised me to have something small to keep my energy up. I ended up drinking 2 cups of Ceylon tea and praying about it. I felt better.

Today, I weighed myself and I'd lost 0.4kg since yesterday. Ok... decent. Then, I got in the shower and, as I sometimes do, I weighed myself again. I'd "lost" another 0.8kg. That makes no sense to me, so I'm not going to count it as a real loss in my weight log... but I'm not gonna lie; it did make me feel better about myself.

It's Friday and most people usually fast until 5:00PM on Fridays during Lent; I'm going to try for all day. Honestly, I'm not trying to one-up other Lent observers! LOL... I'm just trying to discipline myself more, something I want to continue post-Lent as well.

TTYL...
♥ TisbA

First Friday of Lent...

... and I ate ham. BLASPHEMY!!!

But it was so tasty, Lord help me...

So, this year for Lent, I am fasting until 6:00pm and I've given up my favorite past time: stalking. Yes, ladies... I, TisbA, have promised to refrain from stalking people for 40 days and 40 nights plus Sundays (which are not counted during Lent).

For those of you unfamiliar with Lent, it is a time of fasting, abstinence and penitence which starts after Mardi Gras (which translates to "Fat Tuesday" but some call it Shrove Tuesday) and begins the day of Ash Wednesday... anyone else notice Biden's ashes Wednesday??? I did; made me happy for some reason... :)

Anyhoo... during this time, most observers give up something like eating one meal a day, forgoing alcohol or even their daily frappucino or vow to do more of something else, and instead use the money they would have spent on those things and donate it to charity or do community service and pray more. Lenten practices are usually not observed on Sundays which are treated like "mini-Easters" and are a day of celebration. For the most part, Lent is a time of reflection and aspiration to become a better person.

As I noted above, I'll be fasting which I have stuck to, but the one meal a day thing I've totally blown. Hunger induces binging for me and that is partly why I chose to fast because I know food has a hold on me which is very similar to my obsession with knowing what others are doing/thinking/saying (e.g. stalking). Both of these things can sometimes consume me; leading me to waste time (and calories).

As part of my Lenten devotion, I've said I would not check my ex-'s Facebook page (unless she pops up in my mini-feed, then it's fair game). But other than that, I've removed her page from the list of bookmarks on my Blackberry and I no longer check her blog or N's blog. It's been kind of a relief really. Instead of reading a status of hers that leaves me depressed and moody for the rest of the day/week, I rarely think about it and instead assume the worst (best, in my opinion) that they have broken up. I'm sick, I know :)

Anyway... I'm still tackling the binging. As soon as my phone alarm goes off at 6 o' clock, I say a short prayer then do my best to keep from eating everything I see. I brought two Fiber One® bars with me to eat at work today, but we had a staff meeting and they ordered pizza: high-carb kryptonite.

I've been praying for God to give me strength; strength not to binge, strength to treat food as my fuel and not my foe, and strength to appreciate the fact that not every has access to food like I do, so I should be grateful not gluttonous.

Everyday is a struggle, but I can make it through... with God's help.

Amen.

I really need to get a life...

...LOL

I really had to laugh when I saw this. Very funny... kinda wish it were real though!! LOL...

I was hoping my ex- would have a crappy Valentine's Day, but so far, she's not posted a lot on Facebook, hence she must be busy enjoying her time with N.

*le sigh*

Anyhoo... I binged today. Went to IHOP and had pancakes. I was totally going to go throw it up, but I went with my cousin who was talking my ear off and wouldn't let us leave the restaurant so I could get home and puke in private (public bathrooms scare me...) so I let the food sit to the point of no return... All I have to say is that I'm looking forward to Lent; gluttony is definitely one of my major sins that I need rid myself of.

I'm not looking forward to weighing in tomorrow... I'm not going to freak out... I'm not going to freak out... One day at a time, right??

Thank again for your support. I'm going to try and be there for you, too... ♥

McQueen is Dead. Long Live McQueen.

This is such a sad day... in fashion and in general. Four-time winner of the British Fashion Designer of the Year award, Sir Alexander McQueen is dead.

It's not obviously apprearnt, but I love, LOVE, ♥ fashion. Haute couture, prêt-à-Porter, footwear, handbags... everything. Mostly, I enjoy looking at it since I can't afford the things I truly love. Many of those beloved things were the creation of designer Alexander McQueen. He was a phenomenal fashion genious whose avant-garde style and performance-like runway shows were beyond compare. Adored by celebrities like Rihanna and SJP, and whose designs are worn by Lady Gaga in her "Bad Romance" video; McQueen made beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL work.

Lee Alexander McQueen was found dead today of an appaerant suicide. Someone who was so famous, so rich, so talented, and so loved by so many took his own life. Suicide is so sad and I can't begin to pretend to know what is going through the mind of a person who is contemplating taking their own life. All I can say is that if you know someone who is becoming withdrawn or acting differently, don't dismiss it; show concern... you never know what they can be going theough. I know life gets bad, it gets depressing, I get depressed, but I still know that for me, nothing can ever be as bad for me to want to kill myself. I could be in debt up to a billion dollars and weigh 300 pounds, but I know I could still go on living. I know not everyone feels that way, but I hope people turn away from suicide as an option and look to solve their problems another way. If you ever need to talk, on this blog or off, I'm here; I really don't mind. Even one person dying from suicide is too sad and too great of a loss to humanity.

God Save McQueen ♥

A little slice of happy ♥

OMG... so in my insomnia, I was Googling random things. While shopping around for the best price on adult footed onesies (Yes, they exist and No, you cannot judge me), I came upon this site for women's clothing: www.modcloth.com

They sell vintage and vintage-inspired clothing. Their pieces are absolutely adorable!!! OMG, and their coats and jackets are obscenely chic and tremendously stylish, as well pretty affordable.

Please check it out, I haven't even finished looking at the whole site yet, but I'm considering making it my browser's homepage... ok, maybe not, but it's still cool!!!

Enjoy... ♥

pictured: The Enid Jacket

I will be OK...

Thank you to Sairs and skinnythin who offered advice and kind words on my previous posts. Every now and then, I get depressed and just plain sad. It doesn't help that my body isn't how I want it to be and I tend to blame my appearance for all my problems: why he/she doesn't like me, why I'm single, why I didn't go to that event, why I just wasn't confident enough to do anything.

It is all a process. I just have to take things one day at a time. I'm not going to fast anymore until Lent when I know I can do it. I'm also going to stop obsessing about Y because I know she and N will break up again eventually (yeah, I know that's not a great thing to hope for, but it's the way I'm dealing with that for now)

I will not be alone. I am not ugly; I am beautiful. I am smart. I will lose weight. I will be OK.

Helloooooo......???

Is anyone out there??

I really would appreciate if my 4 followers or anyone would weigh in on my recent posts. I just feel really down right now... Not that this blog is for others to read and make me feel better; it's really just a place where I can jot things down and get my feelings out... but I did get used to people commenting... NO PRESSURE!!! Just, if you have a moment... thanks.

♥ TisbA

I am so weak

So I just ate. I had pretzels, hummus, yogurt... then I moved onto the hard stuff; buffalo wings, pizza... I am so weak and feel so disgusting right now.

I'm an emotional eater; I eat when I'm happy, but even more when I'm sad.

Why am I sad? Well, like I mentioned before, I'm a stalker. A heartbroken stalker. The girl I used to date broke up with me a year ago and I haven't gotten over her yet. This is really making me sick inside, really sick. We only dated for about 4 months, but... and I've only told this to my best friend... but I think I might have loved her. I mean, what else is this feeling that WON'T go away?? Its an achy, sad feeling inside me. I can cover it up with food, other people, or anything else.

My ex-, we'll call her Y, started seeing another girl, we'll call her N, very soon after we broke up, which made me think this other girl was waiting in the wings in some type of way...

Y is in LOVE with this girl; I mean, she is chasing this girl big time. The girl seems to not be as enthralled because she keeps breaking up with Y. In N's blogs, she always talks about how she doesn't think people listen to her when she tries to tell them what she wants (e.g. not wanting to be in a relationship) but Y doesn't seem to care. Y is willing to sacrifice so much to be with N.

N was in school, had family obligations, lived far away... all things that she and I had in common, but Y wasn't willing to compromise with me. Y said that we didn't spend enough time together, but here she was willing to get just a few hours a week with N and that was enough. With me, its a deal breaker, but with N, Y is totally willing deal with being all but ignored by N.

WHY NOT ME? Why couldn't she give me another chance? Why is she willing to give N so many chances to break her heart, but she breaks mine with so little thought??

I feel so sad and alone. I hate this feeling. I literally have no one to talk to because I'm sure all my friends are sick of hearing about this particular problem. I'm going to go eat some more. I feel like shit. I don't know what to do.................

My brother is making omelets downstairs...

...Trying to hold my breath so I don't inhale its delicious aroma...

Or how about I just close my door??

*SLAM*

Ahh... better.

p.s. 0.4kg loss today!!! I'm back to my pre-holiday binge-fest weight!!! I hope this is actual fat. I'm going to be trying on a ton of clothes to see if I actually lost weight weight and not just glucose stores. Now, I'm going to start working out. I haven't had time, but I really need to make the time.

It's GO TIME!!!

I am a princess and this is my snow castle...

That's what I was singing to myself all day yesterday and part of today. We lost power yesterday and it has yet to be restored... We got about 30" of snow in my area. Our driveway didn't get plowed until this afternoon. I left my 40-something-degree-indoors house and sought refuge at my aunt's nearby. There, I had the most glorious shower ever... since Friday.

AWESOME.

Now, today was to be a fast day and I was fully prepared... until I had a near-fainting spell. You see, I get very hypo-glycemic and dizzy if I don't eat sometimes. The day started off well enough; it wasn't until around 3:30pm that I was stricken with this sudden bout of nausea, cold sweats, and shakiness. Honestly, I would have passed out within seconds had my aunt not recognized my symptoms and quickly given me a cup of orange juice to drink and raise my blood sugar. FAIL.

Life Saved|Fast Over.

I felt kinda bad, but I knew I had to eat, or risk a trip to the hospital, and in this bad weather with poor road conditions, I'd rather just eat the damn food. I didn't stop with orange juice though; every time I tried to stand up, I'd fall backwards. My aunt made with rice with Nigerian red stew. I also had a dinner roll and more orange juice.

DOUBLE FAIL.

This doesn't happen too often; like once every few weeks I'll feel this way after not eating. I've fasted before from sun-up to sun-down for 40 days and 40 nights before during Lent for years without much problem... I'm not a diabetic and my iron level are OK, I think... gotta get those checked. Note to self: add more spinach to smoothies
*le sigh*

I'm going to try again to fast tomorrow. I think I'll drink orange juice right before midnight so my blood sugar will stay up over night and hopefully throughout the day. I'm going to try for Monday and Tuesday. I think I'll keep a few sugar cubes with me just in case I get the shakes again... I'll be home (woo-hooo, SNOW DAY!!!) So I can stay in bed all day without moving around too much, expending too much energy. (Did you know you burn about 2000 calories a day doing NOTHING??? You can sleep all day like a hibernating bear and still lose weight!!)

Anyhoo... My weight was the same today as yesterday; a loss of 0.6kg. I'm looking forward to post the same (hopefully) or less (hey, I said "hopefully") by tomorrow.

Bring it on.

p.s. GO SAINTS!!!

p.p.s. I ♥ Reggie Bush!!!

I have the POWER....

...Even though my house is without any.

snOMG. I'm •totally• snowed in!! It is still coming down hard, like 1-2" per hour. Ridiculous. The power went out last night •right• before I was about to post an entry. I can't access it properly on my phone, so I'll just post it later.

I haven't eaten yet today, partly because I've been in my bed. That's the Kendra Baskett (née Wilkinson from “The Girls Next Door”) diet. Sleep all day, miss all your meals and lose weight!!! I'm actually going to get up now because my back is starting to ache from all the lazin' around. I guess I'll start my orgo homework.

Its 2:15pm now. It'll be dark again in 3½ hours so I'll probably be back in bed by then...

TTYL!!! ♥

snOMG....

So, I'm spending the weekend stuck under 9 feet of snow: FUN.

Aside from being trapped with no way out... I'm worried about sticking to my diet. The house is stocked with crap food: chips, buffalo wings, soda... your normal Super Bowl weekend fare.

Of course I also have my own food, so I'm prepared... hopefully. This will be a test to my will power; being so close to all this bad food. I live at home, so I don't have total control of what foods stay in and out of the house. I also have the problem of people eating my safe foods: VERY ANNOYING. My family doesn't understand that I can't just "eat something else". I try to avoid being around food... food is a threat to my progress. I'm terrified of it...

I plan to be on the blog a lot. Reading about everyone else's experiences really helps me deal with my own struggles. You really have to keep yourself busy; stay distracted from the food. The safest places in my house are my room and the basement; there, I will seek refuge. I actually have homework to do as well, so me and organic chemistry are going to get cozy...

Looking forward to a good weekend... I can do this.

Costco: Binging in Bulk

So.... I was doing very well today; oatmeal (~115 cal) for breakfast and Nigerian vegetable soup (an oh-so-worth-it 350 cal) for lunch. I was really looking forward to rewarding myself with a hummus and spinach sandwich (~140 cal) and Fiber One® bar (140 cal) this evening... until I agreed to go to Costco for my mom.

First of all, Costco is ALWAYS busy, regardless of the time of day or day of the week. The sparling warehouse is always jam-packed with shopping carts, flatbed trolleys, and the inevitable lost child. Secondly, if you were to try and get a feel for how the U.S. economy is doing based upon what people are buying, observing shoppers at Costco would make you say "what recession??" Between people buying up 128 oz. bottles of mustard and 24-pack MagLite® flashlights, I'd say we're in an economic boom...

Anyway, I wasn't at all worried or evening thinking about how dangerous Costco really is until I was 10 feet into the front entrance. There they were: SAMPLES.

"But it's a Wednesday!!" I thought... "Sample days are only on the weekends!! Oh jeez..." You see, as a kid, me and my siblings would love going to Costco only because we could stuff our faces with free puff pastries and complimentary spoonfuls of peach cobbler and whatever else they had to offer. It wasn't until I accepted a 1 oz. Dixie cup of Craisins® and ate half (~25 cal), that more and more sampling stations began to appear. There was mini peanut brittle (~40 cal), salmon spread on a cracker (~70 cal), Tostitos® and salsa (~20 cal)... I had them all.

It wasn't until I was downing a sample of a chicken taquito (~37 cal) that I finally stopped myself. What was I doing??? I had done so well up until this point. These "free" samples had cost me nearly 200 calories. What a waste. You know how they say never go grocery shopping when you're hungry?? Yeah, never do that because you'll simply eat every single you see. I'm totally not eating anything else today...

UPDATE: So I wrote this entry while still at my mom's office, saved it as a draft, then went home and obliterated my CR regimen. Upon getting into the house, I had a little Shredded Wheat cereal... then a little more, then a yogurt, then more Nigerian vegetable soup... I SUCK. I kept eating, though, because I decided that I was going to go throw it up. I hate to do this and I don't do it often but I was starting to feel panicky, so I thought it was the best way to relieve my anxiety.

I usually wait 40-60 minutes before I do it, so as I'm busying myself preparing for my day tomorrow (today), I notice about an hour and a half has gone by since I ate. It was after midnight; I was too late. If it was any other day, I would have just tried to anyway. But today (Feb. 4th) is a "special" day for me and on these "special" days, I refrain from doing things which in my own mind might be "bad" things (things like having sex or Christmas day or other restrictions I put on myself... I'm weird, remember?) Anyway, I chucked the day up as an L and sought to do better in the morning.

I'm very pleased to say that I did much, MUCH better today and I think I've made up for much of the damage from the day before. I was 1.2kgs less yesterday morning before my binge; I weighed less this morning post-binge, but only 0.4kgs... at least I didn't gain!!! Phew!!

I always try to remember (and those of you reading should, too) that all is not lost if I "mess up". I easily could have kept the feast going into today, but I didn't. I'm happy with how I did today... I might have earned a that Fiber One® bar after all!!!

I fcuking hste typod...

Translation: I f*cking HATE typos!!!!

OMG.... I discovered 4 in 3 previous posts I made... I promptly edited them, but now everyone who already read them thinks I'm an idiot... :(

At least that's how I feel. I hate it when others make typos because, to me, it looks lazy. Like, "wow, you couldn't give that sentence a once-over to see if everything was in order?"

I'll admit that I've become a slave to Mozilla and its spell check feature (AWESOME.) But I just got a new laptop and haven't downloaded it yet, so I've been relying on my own brain (can you imagine??? who still does that??) which has been failing me lately...

*le sigh*

Goodnight...

F*ck YOU.

Is what I should have said, in addition to many other things. Instead, I saved my angry +160 character response to my Blackberry draft folder.....

My ex-, we'll call her "Y" decided to randomly text me today. She ask me if I'd come out of the closet. At first I thought that was extra random, but then I quickly realized she was referring to my status. I had a quote up by Lt. Dan Choi. It goes: “Have courage. Stand up. Don't hide. Be honest...”

If you're unfamiliar with this quote, Lt. Choi is a former infantry officer in the United States Army who has served in combat in the Iraq war. "Former" because after he bravely came out on The Rachel Maddow Show, he was discharged from the army less than a week later in accordance with the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. You can read all about it here.

Anyhoo..... I told her that no, I hadn't come out, but I found his quote inspirational for many reasons as I hoped other people did, too. Thinking that was the end of our random moment and it would be another 3 months until I heard from her again, I went back to work until she replied (in 3 texts, mind you) that there was something "inherently wrong" about me putting up such a quote when I myself aren't out because "[I'm] the one he's talking to". At that point, I picked up the phone and called her, leaving a message (in my low, I'm-at-work voice) saying I didn't appreciate what she said and some other stuff...

I was quite angered when she responded that (paraphrasing) I "should come out and until [I] do, [I] shouldn't be using his words as a battle cry if [I'm] not willing to join the fight"

.....

I was incensed.

Who the Hell is she to tell me what I can/can't or should/shouldn't say or do and when?? If she was in front of me, I might have slapped her... and not lightly either; but a mighty, AFRICAN slap. I was so, so, soOoOo angry. I typed up a response, ready to deliver it, but I stopped short of pressing "send" because.... honestly (and this is quite pitiful)... I didn't want her to be mad at me... I was afraid that might me the last time she ever contacted me again... Go on, "BOOOOOO" me!!! I welcome it... because I know it was a wimpy move. I'll give the full story behind us/me at another time...

Below is what I typed but never sent. Hopefully, at least someone will get to read it:

How dare you? You've got some nerve to tell me what I can/can't or should/shouldn't do.

I put that quote up because I agreed with what he said and the specific meaning behind it. He is SO brave and it pains me not to know that type of courage.

I AM NOT YOU. I did not come out at 14. I do not "dislike" my family and therefore, I care about how my choices effect them. I do things on my OWN time, my OWN way.

To tell me that I haven't "joined the fight" just because I haven't come out to the world is BULLSHIT. I want what is right and just for EVERYONE; all of US. I do my part; not just through silly statuses but actual WORK and activism. You do not know me, [Y]. Please do not act like you know me, my life, or what I am about.

I feel good today...

... I weighed myself today after a failed attempt at CR the day prior and to my pleasant surprise, I lost 1kg!!

Note: I live in America, but I record my weight in kilograms; it just makes me feel better. I used to weigh myself in pounds until my best friend (my scale of nearly 9 years) suddenly switched itself into kilograms and I never figured out how to switch it back!! Hence, my life in kgs began. 1 kilogram = 2.2 pounds, BTW...

Anyhoo... this +2 pound loss has reinvigorated me a bit. Also, reading the blogs I follow has also inspired and encouraged me. So many people are struggling, but we're all doing it together.

Today, I will do better. Today will be better than yesterday...

Entry 1

Hellooooooooooooooo, out there!!!

This is my first blog entry EVER!!! Kinda excited, kinda feeling nerdy, but oh well. I've always thought people who "blogged" were weird, but then I realized I'm weird!! So, I should feel right at home, no..?

I also realized that I have a lot of things to say and don't always have a chance to express my thoughts. My whole desire to create a blog came about from one of my favorite pastimes: stalking.

Remember I said I was weird??!!

Not stalking in the waiting-outside-your-job-and-going-through-your-trash sense, but more so a hey-just-checking-in-on-you-(incessantly-and-without-you-knowing) type of way. You see, my ex- had a blog which she told me about, but then I think she forgot I knew about it because she began to reveal a lot of things that she never told me in her entries. I would check it everyday after we broke up. As she blogged about the new girl she was dating; her ups would be my downs (unfortunately) and I relished the times (quite unfortunately) when she was down... (see: unhealthy)

I know it's awful to delight in another's pain, but she caused me a lot of hurt... even though I never told her.... sigh.

Anyhoo... I'm actually at work and I'd LOVE to keep my job, so I'm going to get back on task... ttyl!!!

Whoever "you" are....