You can't please everyone.....

...... especially not my father.

I just had a huge fight with him tonight. I mean, we were really, really yelling at each other. I don't like disrespecting my parents, but I'm really bad at biting my tongue and staying quiet when I feel like I should be defending myself. It all started when he, while asking my brother about why he missed church, mentioned how neither of us had "any type of clear career path". Me? The same "me" who has a degree from a tier 1 university? The same "me" who has worked up from intern to coordinator at my current organization in less than a year? The same "me" who has been gainfully employed since graduating and is actively applying to medical school??? Comparing me to my brother; who has yet to finish his undergrad degree, get a job, or pay for anything he owns himself at 27; is quite laughable and downright ridiculous.

My dad does this a lot. He makes me feel bad about not going to medical school right after graduation (in 2006). What makes it worse is that I changed my major half-way into undergrad and went from physiology/neurobiology to public health (which was tantamount to me saying "mom and dad, I'm dropping out of college and, by the way, I'm pregnant"). He told me tonight that my life "was over" (at 26, right?) and that I was "Going nowhere" as my peers "lapped me in achievement" and that at 26 I "have nothing to show for it". He then proceeded to name the numerous cousins and children of family friends who had either started or finished residency and who were now either getting married or buying homes. FYI: If a Nigerian woman is over 27 and not in residency, PhD candidacy, or married, she is a failure. Ask anybody (Nigerian). I have one year left before I become part of the dregs of society.

I did mention I'm Nigerian, right? If you know anything about Nigerians, or foreign parents in general, you'll know that they have very high standards regarding education. For me and my cousins as well as Nigerian/Indian/Chinese/foreign friends, we all know that if you're not a doctor, engineer, or pharmacist, you might as well go kill yourself right now because you are all but worthless in our communities. Of course I don't agree with this; not every single Nigerian I know is an MD, PharmD, or PhD, but there are quite a few; I'd say about 60% of my friends. Oh, did I mention both my parents are also surgeons?? Yeah, so there's no "do your best, honey" because my best has to be better than their best... at least that's how they measure success.

Now, I know I haven't taken a direct path to medical school, but damn it, I'm trying! I'm working hard finishing pre-reqs and I am trying. It's very difficult for me to see my peers graduating pharmacy school and medical school, heading off to residency and not feel left behind. I'm going to be 27 soon, damn near 30 and I feel unaccomplished. I want to be on par with those around me.

I'm not pursing medical school just to please my parents, as so many people think and freely suggest as the reason why I say I want to be a doctor (I fucking hate that). I seriously feel that there is no way I'll be happy or fulfilled with my life unless I'm a physician. I love science and medicine. I read medical journals for fun. I love learning about rare diseases and I get a thrill when I identify diseases before doctors do on TLC's "Mystery Diagnosis" series. I want the opportunity at that one-on-one interaction with a patient. I see the way my parents are with their patients and I admire it greatly. Plus, I've always wanted to be able to say, "trust me; I'm a doctor..." ☺

I took a practice MCAT yesterday with Princeton Review and I finally decided to take the July exam after putting it off for so many years. I admit it: I've been afraid of applying to medical school; I have been afraid of what would happen if I didn't get in. What would my parents say? What would my friends say? A lot of people expect me to be a doctor, especially because my parents are doctors (why could they be bus drivers or garbage collectors? not that there's anything wrong with that, but damn, I wouldn't have to aim so high).

I know I'm not exactly a dinosaur, but can't help but feel old (by African standards) when I look at people my age and see what they are up to compared to myself. Nevertheless, I still find encouragement in others pursuing the same career path as me and some who are doing it later in life. I know all is not lost; I can still do it.

I'll let you all know how it goes...

♥ TisbA

0.2kg...

...is what kept me from starting my day off right yesterday. I had gained instead of lost. I felt horrible, especially since I had thrown up my dinner the night before and was really expecting to see a difference...

Like I mentioned before, I'm fasting for Lent and though it is not a diet, Wednesday was really difficult for me. I was feeling dizzy and light-headed and my stomach had been growling violently all morning. I desperately wanted to eat something, even a single peanut would have satiated me... but I kept thinking about my Lenten sacrifice...

Some people don't even have food. Children go hungry for weeks at a time and here I was complaining about going without food for a few hours. Because I didn't want to "disappoint God" or pass out, I called my church and spoke to a priest. She (I'm Episcopalian!) told me that the hunger I was feeling inside was my hunger for God, and though she advising most people to simply eat 2 smaller meals for breakfast and lunch instead of going without food all day, I should pray to God for him to fill my emptiness. She also advised me to have something small to keep my energy up. I ended up drinking 2 cups of Ceylon tea and praying about it. I felt better.

Today, I weighed myself and I'd lost 0.4kg since yesterday. Ok... decent. Then, I got in the shower and, as I sometimes do, I weighed myself again. I'd "lost" another 0.8kg. That makes no sense to me, so I'm not going to count it as a real loss in my weight log... but I'm not gonna lie; it did make me feel better about myself.

It's Friday and most people usually fast until 5:00PM on Fridays during Lent; I'm going to try for all day. Honestly, I'm not trying to one-up other Lent observers! LOL... I'm just trying to discipline myself more, something I want to continue post-Lent as well.

TTYL...
♥ TisbA

First Friday of Lent...

... and I ate ham. BLASPHEMY!!!

But it was so tasty, Lord help me...

So, this year for Lent, I am fasting until 6:00pm and I've given up my favorite past time: stalking. Yes, ladies... I, TisbA, have promised to refrain from stalking people for 40 days and 40 nights plus Sundays (which are not counted during Lent).

For those of you unfamiliar with Lent, it is a time of fasting, abstinence and penitence which starts after Mardi Gras (which translates to "Fat Tuesday" but some call it Shrove Tuesday) and begins the day of Ash Wednesday... anyone else notice Biden's ashes Wednesday??? I did; made me happy for some reason... :)

Anyhoo... during this time, most observers give up something like eating one meal a day, forgoing alcohol or even their daily frappucino or vow to do more of something else, and instead use the money they would have spent on those things and donate it to charity or do community service and pray more. Lenten practices are usually not observed on Sundays which are treated like "mini-Easters" and are a day of celebration. For the most part, Lent is a time of reflection and aspiration to become a better person.

As I noted above, I'll be fasting which I have stuck to, but the one meal a day thing I've totally blown. Hunger induces binging for me and that is partly why I chose to fast because I know food has a hold on me which is very similar to my obsession with knowing what others are doing/thinking/saying (e.g. stalking). Both of these things can sometimes consume me; leading me to waste time (and calories).

As part of my Lenten devotion, I've said I would not check my ex-'s Facebook page (unless she pops up in my mini-feed, then it's fair game). But other than that, I've removed her page from the list of bookmarks on my Blackberry and I no longer check her blog or N's blog. It's been kind of a relief really. Instead of reading a status of hers that leaves me depressed and moody for the rest of the day/week, I rarely think about it and instead assume the worst (best, in my opinion) that they have broken up. I'm sick, I know :)

Anyway... I'm still tackling the binging. As soon as my phone alarm goes off at 6 o' clock, I say a short prayer then do my best to keep from eating everything I see. I brought two Fiber One® bars with me to eat at work today, but we had a staff meeting and they ordered pizza: high-carb kryptonite.

I've been praying for God to give me strength; strength not to binge, strength to treat food as my fuel and not my foe, and strength to appreciate the fact that not every has access to food like I do, so I should be grateful not gluttonous.

Everyday is a struggle, but I can make it through... with God's help.

Amen.

I really need to get a life...

...LOL

I really had to laugh when I saw this. Very funny... kinda wish it were real though!! LOL...

I was hoping my ex- would have a crappy Valentine's Day, but so far, she's not posted a lot on Facebook, hence she must be busy enjoying her time with N.

*le sigh*

Anyhoo... I binged today. Went to IHOP and had pancakes. I was totally going to go throw it up, but I went with my cousin who was talking my ear off and wouldn't let us leave the restaurant so I could get home and puke in private (public bathrooms scare me...) so I let the food sit to the point of no return... All I have to say is that I'm looking forward to Lent; gluttony is definitely one of my major sins that I need rid myself of.

I'm not looking forward to weighing in tomorrow... I'm not going to freak out... I'm not going to freak out... One day at a time, right??

Thank again for your support. I'm going to try and be there for you, too... ♥

McQueen is Dead. Long Live McQueen.

This is such a sad day... in fashion and in general. Four-time winner of the British Fashion Designer of the Year award, Sir Alexander McQueen is dead.

It's not obviously apprearnt, but I love, LOVE, ♥ fashion. Haute couture, prêt-à-Porter, footwear, handbags... everything. Mostly, I enjoy looking at it since I can't afford the things I truly love. Many of those beloved things were the creation of designer Alexander McQueen. He was a phenomenal fashion genious whose avant-garde style and performance-like runway shows were beyond compare. Adored by celebrities like Rihanna and SJP, and whose designs are worn by Lady Gaga in her "Bad Romance" video; McQueen made beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL work.

Lee Alexander McQueen was found dead today of an appaerant suicide. Someone who was so famous, so rich, so talented, and so loved by so many took his own life. Suicide is so sad and I can't begin to pretend to know what is going through the mind of a person who is contemplating taking their own life. All I can say is that if you know someone who is becoming withdrawn or acting differently, don't dismiss it; show concern... you never know what they can be going theough. I know life gets bad, it gets depressing, I get depressed, but I still know that for me, nothing can ever be as bad for me to want to kill myself. I could be in debt up to a billion dollars and weigh 300 pounds, but I know I could still go on living. I know not everyone feels that way, but I hope people turn away from suicide as an option and look to solve their problems another way. If you ever need to talk, on this blog or off, I'm here; I really don't mind. Even one person dying from suicide is too sad and too great of a loss to humanity.

God Save McQueen ♥

A little slice of happy ♥

OMG... so in my insomnia, I was Googling random things. While shopping around for the best price on adult footed onesies (Yes, they exist and No, you cannot judge me), I came upon this site for women's clothing: www.modcloth.com

They sell vintage and vintage-inspired clothing. Their pieces are absolutely adorable!!! OMG, and their coats and jackets are obscenely chic and tremendously stylish, as well pretty affordable.

Please check it out, I haven't even finished looking at the whole site yet, but I'm considering making it my browser's homepage... ok, maybe not, but it's still cool!!!

Enjoy... ♥

pictured: The Enid Jacket

I will be OK...

Thank you to Sairs and skinnythin who offered advice and kind words on my previous posts. Every now and then, I get depressed and just plain sad. It doesn't help that my body isn't how I want it to be and I tend to blame my appearance for all my problems: why he/she doesn't like me, why I'm single, why I didn't go to that event, why I just wasn't confident enough to do anything.

It is all a process. I just have to take things one day at a time. I'm not going to fast anymore until Lent when I know I can do it. I'm also going to stop obsessing about Y because I know she and N will break up again eventually (yeah, I know that's not a great thing to hope for, but it's the way I'm dealing with that for now)

I will not be alone. I am not ugly; I am beautiful. I am smart. I will lose weight. I will be OK.

Helloooooo......???

Is anyone out there??

I really would appreciate if my 4 followers or anyone would weigh in on my recent posts. I just feel really down right now... Not that this blog is for others to read and make me feel better; it's really just a place where I can jot things down and get my feelings out... but I did get used to people commenting... NO PRESSURE!!! Just, if you have a moment... thanks.

♥ TisbA

I am so weak

So I just ate. I had pretzels, hummus, yogurt... then I moved onto the hard stuff; buffalo wings, pizza... I am so weak and feel so disgusting right now.

I'm an emotional eater; I eat when I'm happy, but even more when I'm sad.

Why am I sad? Well, like I mentioned before, I'm a stalker. A heartbroken stalker. The girl I used to date broke up with me a year ago and I haven't gotten over her yet. This is really making me sick inside, really sick. We only dated for about 4 months, but... and I've only told this to my best friend... but I think I might have loved her. I mean, what else is this feeling that WON'T go away?? Its an achy, sad feeling inside me. I can cover it up with food, other people, or anything else.

My ex-, we'll call her Y, started seeing another girl, we'll call her N, very soon after we broke up, which made me think this other girl was waiting in the wings in some type of way...

Y is in LOVE with this girl; I mean, she is chasing this girl big time. The girl seems to not be as enthralled because she keeps breaking up with Y. In N's blogs, she always talks about how she doesn't think people listen to her when she tries to tell them what she wants (e.g. not wanting to be in a relationship) but Y doesn't seem to care. Y is willing to sacrifice so much to be with N.

N was in school, had family obligations, lived far away... all things that she and I had in common, but Y wasn't willing to compromise with me. Y said that we didn't spend enough time together, but here she was willing to get just a few hours a week with N and that was enough. With me, its a deal breaker, but with N, Y is totally willing deal with being all but ignored by N.

WHY NOT ME? Why couldn't she give me another chance? Why is she willing to give N so many chances to break her heart, but she breaks mine with so little thought??

I feel so sad and alone. I hate this feeling. I literally have no one to talk to because I'm sure all my friends are sick of hearing about this particular problem. I'm going to go eat some more. I feel like shit. I don't know what to do.................

My brother is making omelets downstairs...

...Trying to hold my breath so I don't inhale its delicious aroma...

Or how about I just close my door??

*SLAM*

Ahh... better.

p.s. 0.4kg loss today!!! I'm back to my pre-holiday binge-fest weight!!! I hope this is actual fat. I'm going to be trying on a ton of clothes to see if I actually lost weight weight and not just glucose stores. Now, I'm going to start working out. I haven't had time, but I really need to make the time.

It's GO TIME!!!

I am a princess and this is my snow castle...

That's what I was singing to myself all day yesterday and part of today. We lost power yesterday and it has yet to be restored... We got about 30" of snow in my area. Our driveway didn't get plowed until this afternoon. I left my 40-something-degree-indoors house and sought refuge at my aunt's nearby. There, I had the most glorious shower ever... since Friday.

AWESOME.

Now, today was to be a fast day and I was fully prepared... until I had a near-fainting spell. You see, I get very hypo-glycemic and dizzy if I don't eat sometimes. The day started off well enough; it wasn't until around 3:30pm that I was stricken with this sudden bout of nausea, cold sweats, and shakiness. Honestly, I would have passed out within seconds had my aunt not recognized my symptoms and quickly given me a cup of orange juice to drink and raise my blood sugar. FAIL.

Life Saved|Fast Over.

I felt kinda bad, but I knew I had to eat, or risk a trip to the hospital, and in this bad weather with poor road conditions, I'd rather just eat the damn food. I didn't stop with orange juice though; every time I tried to stand up, I'd fall backwards. My aunt made with rice with Nigerian red stew. I also had a dinner roll and more orange juice.

DOUBLE FAIL.

This doesn't happen too often; like once every few weeks I'll feel this way after not eating. I've fasted before from sun-up to sun-down for 40 days and 40 nights before during Lent for years without much problem... I'm not a diabetic and my iron level are OK, I think... gotta get those checked. Note to self: add more spinach to smoothies
*le sigh*

I'm going to try again to fast tomorrow. I think I'll drink orange juice right before midnight so my blood sugar will stay up over night and hopefully throughout the day. I'm going to try for Monday and Tuesday. I think I'll keep a few sugar cubes with me just in case I get the shakes again... I'll be home (woo-hooo, SNOW DAY!!!) So I can stay in bed all day without moving around too much, expending too much energy. (Did you know you burn about 2000 calories a day doing NOTHING??? You can sleep all day like a hibernating bear and still lose weight!!)

Anyhoo... My weight was the same today as yesterday; a loss of 0.6kg. I'm looking forward to post the same (hopefully) or less (hey, I said "hopefully") by tomorrow.

Bring it on.

p.s. GO SAINTS!!!

p.p.s. I ♥ Reggie Bush!!!

I have the POWER....

...Even though my house is without any.

snOMG. I'm •totally• snowed in!! It is still coming down hard, like 1-2" per hour. Ridiculous. The power went out last night •right• before I was about to post an entry. I can't access it properly on my phone, so I'll just post it later.

I haven't eaten yet today, partly because I've been in my bed. That's the Kendra Baskett (née Wilkinson from “The Girls Next Door”) diet. Sleep all day, miss all your meals and lose weight!!! I'm actually going to get up now because my back is starting to ache from all the lazin' around. I guess I'll start my orgo homework.

Its 2:15pm now. It'll be dark again in 3½ hours so I'll probably be back in bed by then...

TTYL!!! ♥

snOMG....

So, I'm spending the weekend stuck under 9 feet of snow: FUN.

Aside from being trapped with no way out... I'm worried about sticking to my diet. The house is stocked with crap food: chips, buffalo wings, soda... your normal Super Bowl weekend fare.

Of course I also have my own food, so I'm prepared... hopefully. This will be a test to my will power; being so close to all this bad food. I live at home, so I don't have total control of what foods stay in and out of the house. I also have the problem of people eating my safe foods: VERY ANNOYING. My family doesn't understand that I can't just "eat something else". I try to avoid being around food... food is a threat to my progress. I'm terrified of it...

I plan to be on the blog a lot. Reading about everyone else's experiences really helps me deal with my own struggles. You really have to keep yourself busy; stay distracted from the food. The safest places in my house are my room and the basement; there, I will seek refuge. I actually have homework to do as well, so me and organic chemistry are going to get cozy...

Looking forward to a good weekend... I can do this.

Costco: Binging in Bulk

So.... I was doing very well today; oatmeal (~115 cal) for breakfast and Nigerian vegetable soup (an oh-so-worth-it 350 cal) for lunch. I was really looking forward to rewarding myself with a hummus and spinach sandwich (~140 cal) and Fiber One® bar (140 cal) this evening... until I agreed to go to Costco for my mom.

First of all, Costco is ALWAYS busy, regardless of the time of day or day of the week. The sparling warehouse is always jam-packed with shopping carts, flatbed trolleys, and the inevitable lost child. Secondly, if you were to try and get a feel for how the U.S. economy is doing based upon what people are buying, observing shoppers at Costco would make you say "what recession??" Between people buying up 128 oz. bottles of mustard and 24-pack MagLite® flashlights, I'd say we're in an economic boom...

Anyway, I wasn't at all worried or evening thinking about how dangerous Costco really is until I was 10 feet into the front entrance. There they were: SAMPLES.

"But it's a Wednesday!!" I thought... "Sample days are only on the weekends!! Oh jeez..." You see, as a kid, me and my siblings would love going to Costco only because we could stuff our faces with free puff pastries and complimentary spoonfuls of peach cobbler and whatever else they had to offer. It wasn't until I accepted a 1 oz. Dixie cup of Craisins® and ate half (~25 cal), that more and more sampling stations began to appear. There was mini peanut brittle (~40 cal), salmon spread on a cracker (~70 cal), Tostitos® and salsa (~20 cal)... I had them all.

It wasn't until I was downing a sample of a chicken taquito (~37 cal) that I finally stopped myself. What was I doing??? I had done so well up until this point. These "free" samples had cost me nearly 200 calories. What a waste. You know how they say never go grocery shopping when you're hungry?? Yeah, never do that because you'll simply eat every single you see. I'm totally not eating anything else today...

UPDATE: So I wrote this entry while still at my mom's office, saved it as a draft, then went home and obliterated my CR regimen. Upon getting into the house, I had a little Shredded Wheat cereal... then a little more, then a yogurt, then more Nigerian vegetable soup... I SUCK. I kept eating, though, because I decided that I was going to go throw it up. I hate to do this and I don't do it often but I was starting to feel panicky, so I thought it was the best way to relieve my anxiety.

I usually wait 40-60 minutes before I do it, so as I'm busying myself preparing for my day tomorrow (today), I notice about an hour and a half has gone by since I ate. It was after midnight; I was too late. If it was any other day, I would have just tried to anyway. But today (Feb. 4th) is a "special" day for me and on these "special" days, I refrain from doing things which in my own mind might be "bad" things (things like having sex or Christmas day or other restrictions I put on myself... I'm weird, remember?) Anyway, I chucked the day up as an L and sought to do better in the morning.

I'm very pleased to say that I did much, MUCH better today and I think I've made up for much of the damage from the day before. I was 1.2kgs less yesterday morning before my binge; I weighed less this morning post-binge, but only 0.4kgs... at least I didn't gain!!! Phew!!

I always try to remember (and those of you reading should, too) that all is not lost if I "mess up". I easily could have kept the feast going into today, but I didn't. I'm happy with how I did today... I might have earned a that Fiber One® bar after all!!!

I fcuking hste typod...

Translation: I f*cking HATE typos!!!!

OMG.... I discovered 4 in 3 previous posts I made... I promptly edited them, but now everyone who already read them thinks I'm an idiot... :(

At least that's how I feel. I hate it when others make typos because, to me, it looks lazy. Like, "wow, you couldn't give that sentence a once-over to see if everything was in order?"

I'll admit that I've become a slave to Mozilla and its spell check feature (AWESOME.) But I just got a new laptop and haven't downloaded it yet, so I've been relying on my own brain (can you imagine??? who still does that??) which has been failing me lately...

*le sigh*

Goodnight...

F*ck YOU.

Is what I should have said, in addition to many other things. Instead, I saved my angry +160 character response to my Blackberry draft folder.....

My ex-, we'll call her "Y" decided to randomly text me today. She ask me if I'd come out of the closet. At first I thought that was extra random, but then I quickly realized she was referring to my status. I had a quote up by Lt. Dan Choi. It goes: “Have courage. Stand up. Don't hide. Be honest...”

If you're unfamiliar with this quote, Lt. Choi is a former infantry officer in the United States Army who has served in combat in the Iraq war. "Former" because after he bravely came out on The Rachel Maddow Show, he was discharged from the army less than a week later in accordance with the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. You can read all about it here.

Anyhoo..... I told her that no, I hadn't come out, but I found his quote inspirational for many reasons as I hoped other people did, too. Thinking that was the end of our random moment and it would be another 3 months until I heard from her again, I went back to work until she replied (in 3 texts, mind you) that there was something "inherently wrong" about me putting up such a quote when I myself aren't out because "[I'm] the one he's talking to". At that point, I picked up the phone and called her, leaving a message (in my low, I'm-at-work voice) saying I didn't appreciate what she said and some other stuff...

I was quite angered when she responded that (paraphrasing) I "should come out and until [I] do, [I] shouldn't be using his words as a battle cry if [I'm] not willing to join the fight"

.....

I was incensed.

Who the Hell is she to tell me what I can/can't or should/shouldn't say or do and when?? If she was in front of me, I might have slapped her... and not lightly either; but a mighty, AFRICAN slap. I was so, so, soOoOo angry. I typed up a response, ready to deliver it, but I stopped short of pressing "send" because.... honestly (and this is quite pitiful)... I didn't want her to be mad at me... I was afraid that might me the last time she ever contacted me again... Go on, "BOOOOOO" me!!! I welcome it... because I know it was a wimpy move. I'll give the full story behind us/me at another time...

Below is what I typed but never sent. Hopefully, at least someone will get to read it:

How dare you? You've got some nerve to tell me what I can/can't or should/shouldn't do.

I put that quote up because I agreed with what he said and the specific meaning behind it. He is SO brave and it pains me not to know that type of courage.

I AM NOT YOU. I did not come out at 14. I do not "dislike" my family and therefore, I care about how my choices effect them. I do things on my OWN time, my OWN way.

To tell me that I haven't "joined the fight" just because I haven't come out to the world is BULLSHIT. I want what is right and just for EVERYONE; all of US. I do my part; not just through silly statuses but actual WORK and activism. You do not know me, [Y]. Please do not act like you know me, my life, or what I am about.

I feel good today...

... I weighed myself today after a failed attempt at CR the day prior and to my pleasant surprise, I lost 1kg!!

Note: I live in America, but I record my weight in kilograms; it just makes me feel better. I used to weigh myself in pounds until my best friend (my scale of nearly 9 years) suddenly switched itself into kilograms and I never figured out how to switch it back!! Hence, my life in kgs began. 1 kilogram = 2.2 pounds, BTW...

Anyhoo... this +2 pound loss has reinvigorated me a bit. Also, reading the blogs I follow has also inspired and encouraged me. So many people are struggling, but we're all doing it together.

Today, I will do better. Today will be better than yesterday...

Entry 1

Hellooooooooooooooo, out there!!!

This is my first blog entry EVER!!! Kinda excited, kinda feeling nerdy, but oh well. I've always thought people who "blogged" were weird, but then I realized I'm weird!! So, I should feel right at home, no..?

I also realized that I have a lot of things to say and don't always have a chance to express my thoughts. My whole desire to create a blog came about from one of my favorite pastimes: stalking.

Remember I said I was weird??!!

Not stalking in the waiting-outside-your-job-and-going-through-your-trash sense, but more so a hey-just-checking-in-on-you-(incessantly-and-without-you-knowing) type of way. You see, my ex- had a blog which she told me about, but then I think she forgot I knew about it because she began to reveal a lot of things that she never told me in her entries. I would check it everyday after we broke up. As she blogged about the new girl she was dating; her ups would be my downs (unfortunately) and I relished the times (quite unfortunately) when she was down... (see: unhealthy)

I know it's awful to delight in another's pain, but she caused me a lot of hurt... even though I never told her.... sigh.

Anyhoo... I'm actually at work and I'd LOVE to keep my job, so I'm going to get back on task... ttyl!!!

Whoever "you" are....