Sunday, April 25, 2010


I took two Adderall® this morning, but I had skipped a dose yesterday, so I was already hungry when I woke up.

Late to church, I skipped service and went to the food court at the mall and ate a 2-entree meal at Panda Express®—orange chicken and mushroom chicken with ½ white rice, ½ fried rice.

I sat down at a table and stuffed my face. Afterward, I sat and cried quietly as a Beyoncé video played on the TV screen.

I feel like such a FAILURE.

I went to Target® to buy new headphones for my iPod®. In addition, I bought a pair of socks and a yellow t-shirt. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror—I looked like shit. I started pinching the fat on my stomach; I can't believe I let people see me like this.

I walked to the check out line, still pinching my stomach, covering it with the shirt I was about to buy. The guy at the register told me, “Smile! You look nice!” Clearly, he was a lunatic... or just trying to be nice to the pitiful fat girl before him.

I half smiled and left.

I have binged ALL WEEKEND LONG. I weighed myself today: 2.6kg heavier. Nearly six pounds in 3 days. I was too lazy to throw up anything I ate. I am so WEAK. I was doing so well...

My new Rx for Adderall XR® costs $130 for a 30-day supply. I just wasted $8.66.

I cannot quit. I've worked too hard. My friend's birthday party is in 6 days; I MUST lose this weight by then. I have to. I can't let her see how fat I've gotten. I still need to find a pink dress to stuff myself into.

I'm going to promise not to eat the rest of the day. Only water. I can do it. Watch me.

1 comment:

  1. Aww...I know it sucks!! Hang in there. I so understand how you feel. You can still come back and loose it.