Whaddup Peeps!!!

Isn't this little chickie CUTE??!! Ugh... adorable...

HAPPY EASTER!! It's finally Springtime!! I absolutely love this season because everything seems to be coming back to life; starting over anew!! I'm sure it's no coincidence that Easter takes place during this time. Christians believe that Easter is the day Jesus was risen from the dead after being crucified. In sacrificing himself for our sins, he gave all Christians fresh start.

Easter also marks the end of Lent. That's right―I'm once again free to stalk as I please!!!

But, I won't.

Lent is a time to be reflective and try and make changes. Now that it's over, I've decided to ease up a bit on the stalking because it's not doing me much good and most times only leaves me feeling sad and irritable―specifically after checking up on my ex- Y. Remember how I said I'd only look at her profile if she popped up in my Facebook mini-feed? Well, towards the end of Lent, she was like in it every other day, so I would check and see updates about her and N and their perfect relationship. It TOTALLY sucked.

I finally vented all my frustrations onto a good friend of mine and she asked me if I had ever considered deleting Y. I said I had, but I was too scared that once I deleted her, she wouldn't even notice―or worse, wouldn't even care and then I would lose all ties with her. My friend suggested instead that I delete Y from my mini-feed; it's an option that makes it so a person's status updates, photos, posts, et cetera don't appear on your homepage. At first, I was hesitant to do even that, but I finally did it and you know what? It felt good. It wasn't permanent, and I could still check her profile if I really wanted to, but I'm not going to.. at least not the 20-30 times a day I used to at my worst and most obsessive times. Ugh... I almost sound crazy! If anyone else told me something like that, I'd think they were a complete LOON.

Anyway, so yeah... I'm going to sit back and try and start living my life again. Not to say that I won't ever check Y's profile, but now I know that I have the power to keep it in check. I still want to confront her one day and tell her all my feelings, but I don't know when that will be... I've said I want to wait until she and N break up, but who knows? What if she marries her?? Sad/pathetic story: when gay marriage was legalized in Washington D.C. not long ago, my immediate thought after "oh, that's so great!" was "oh, crap! what if they move to D.C. and get married?!" The thought seemed even more plausible because Y had a status awhile back about how N told her that her dream wedding dress was $5000. I couldn't help but think how Y would have reacted if it were I that said such a thing (my dream dress is by a designer whose gowns start at $3000) that she would have labeled me a shallow, spoiled brat. Ugh... ok, enough.

So, I am moving on! It's disgustingly pathetic that I've let myself feel like crap for more than a year over someone who has absolutely no clue. Now, now... don't think this means that I won't ever mention Y again, because I inevitably will, but just know that I'm working towards getting myself together and starting to be more positive about things, ok? Ok!

Gosh! ^^That's a lot of text!^^ I think I'm done for now... I actually have other stuff to update you all on, but I'll save that for tomorrow.

Welp, I'm at work so...........................

BYE!!!

-Tisba
♥

First Friday of Lent...

... and I ate ham. BLASPHEMY!!!

But it was so tasty, Lord help me...

So, this year for Lent, I am fasting until 6:00pm and I've given up my favorite past time: stalking. Yes, ladies... I, TisbA, have promised to refrain from stalking people for 40 days and 40 nights plus Sundays (which are not counted during Lent).

For those of you unfamiliar with Lent, it is a time of fasting, abstinence and penitence which starts after Mardi Gras (which translates to "Fat Tuesday" but some call it Shrove Tuesday) and begins the day of Ash Wednesday... anyone else notice Biden's ashes Wednesday??? I did; made me happy for some reason... :)

Anyhoo... during this time, most observers give up something like eating one meal a day, forgoing alcohol or even their daily frappucino or vow to do more of something else, and instead use the money they would have spent on those things and donate it to charity or do community service and pray more. Lenten practices are usually not observed on Sundays which are treated like "mini-Easters" and are a day of celebration. For the most part, Lent is a time of reflection and aspiration to become a better person.

As I noted above, I'll be fasting which I have stuck to, but the one meal a day thing I've totally blown. Hunger induces binging for me and that is partly why I chose to fast because I know food has a hold on me which is very similar to my obsession with knowing what others are doing/thinking/saying (e.g. stalking). Both of these things can sometimes consume me; leading me to waste time (and calories).

As part of my Lenten devotion, I've said I would not check my ex-'s Facebook page (unless she pops up in my mini-feed, then it's fair game). But other than that, I've removed her page from the list of bookmarks on my Blackberry and I no longer check her blog or N's blog. It's been kind of a relief really. Instead of reading a status of hers that leaves me depressed and moody for the rest of the day/week, I rarely think about it and instead assume the worst (best, in my opinion) that they have broken up. I'm sick, I know :)

Anyway... I'm still tackling the binging. As soon as my phone alarm goes off at 6 o' clock, I say a short prayer then do my best to keep from eating everything I see. I brought two Fiber One® bars with me to eat at work today, but we had a staff meeting and they ordered pizza: high-carb kryptonite.

I've been praying for God to give me strength; strength not to binge, strength to treat food as my fuel and not my foe, and strength to appreciate the fact that not every has access to food like I do, so I should be grateful not gluttonous.

Everyday is a struggle, but I can make it through... with God's help.

Amen.

I really need to get a life...

...LOL

I really had to laugh when I saw this. Very funny... kinda wish it were real though!! LOL...

I was hoping my ex- would have a crappy Valentine's Day, but so far, she's not posted a lot on Facebook, hence she must be busy enjoying her time with N.

*le sigh*

Anyhoo... I binged today. Went to IHOP and had pancakes. I was totally going to go throw it up, but I went with my cousin who was talking my ear off and wouldn't let us leave the restaurant so I could get home and puke in private (public bathrooms scare me...) so I let the food sit to the point of no return... All I have to say is that I'm looking forward to Lent; gluttony is definitely one of my major sins that I need rid myself of.

I'm not looking forward to weighing in tomorrow... I'm not going to freak out... I'm not going to freak out... One day at a time, right??

Thank again for your support. I'm going to try and be there for you, too... ♥

I will be OK...

Thank you to Sairs and skinnythin who offered advice and kind words on my previous posts. Every now and then, I get depressed and just plain sad. It doesn't help that my body isn't how I want it to be and I tend to blame my appearance for all my problems: why he/she doesn't like me, why I'm single, why I didn't go to that event, why I just wasn't confident enough to do anything.

It is all a process. I just have to take things one day at a time. I'm not going to fast anymore until Lent when I know I can do it. I'm also going to stop obsessing about Y because I know she and N will break up again eventually (yeah, I know that's not a great thing to hope for, but it's the way I'm dealing with that for now)

I will not be alone. I am not ugly; I am beautiful. I am smart. I will lose weight. I will be OK.

I am a princess and this is my snow castle...

That's what I was singing to myself all day yesterday and part of today. We lost power yesterday and it has yet to be restored... We got about 30" of snow in my area. Our driveway didn't get plowed until this afternoon. I left my 40-something-degree-indoors house and sought refuge at my aunt's nearby. There, I had the most glorious shower ever... since Friday.

AWESOME.

Now, today was to be a fast day and I was fully prepared... until I had a near-fainting spell. You see, I get very hypo-glycemic and dizzy if I don't eat sometimes. The day started off well enough; it wasn't until around 3:30pm that I was stricken with this sudden bout of nausea, cold sweats, and shakiness. Honestly, I would have passed out within seconds had my aunt not recognized my symptoms and quickly given me a cup of orange juice to drink and raise my blood sugar. FAIL.

Life Saved|Fast Over.

I felt kinda bad, but I knew I had to eat, or risk a trip to the hospital, and in this bad weather with poor road conditions, I'd rather just eat the damn food. I didn't stop with orange juice though; every time I tried to stand up, I'd fall backwards. My aunt made with rice with Nigerian red stew. I also had a dinner roll and more orange juice.

DOUBLE FAIL.

This doesn't happen too often; like once every few weeks I'll feel this way after not eating. I've fasted before from sun-up to sun-down for 40 days and 40 nights before during Lent for years without much problem... I'm not a diabetic and my iron level are OK, I think... gotta get those checked. Note to self: add more spinach to smoothies
*le sigh*

I'm going to try again to fast tomorrow. I think I'll drink orange juice right before midnight so my blood sugar will stay up over night and hopefully throughout the day. I'm going to try for Monday and Tuesday. I think I'll keep a few sugar cubes with me just in case I get the shakes again... I'll be home (woo-hooo, SNOW DAY!!!) So I can stay in bed all day without moving around too much, expending too much energy. (Did you know you burn about 2000 calories a day doing NOTHING??? You can sleep all day like a hibernating bear and still lose weight!!)

Anyhoo... My weight was the same today as yesterday; a loss of 0.6kg. I'm looking forward to post the same (hopefully) or less (hey, I said "hopefully") by tomorrow.

Bring it on.

p.s. GO SAINTS!!!

p.p.s. I ♥ Reggie Bush!!!

I have the POWER....

...Even though my house is without any.

snOMG. I'm •totally• snowed in!! It is still coming down hard, like 1-2" per hour. Ridiculous. The power went out last night •right• before I was about to post an entry. I can't access it properly on my phone, so I'll just post it later.

I haven't eaten yet today, partly because I've been in my bed. That's the Kendra Baskett (née Wilkinson from “The Girls Next Door”) diet. Sleep all day, miss all your meals and lose weight!!! I'm actually going to get up now because my back is starting to ache from all the lazin' around. I guess I'll start my orgo homework.

Its 2:15pm now. It'll be dark again in 3½ hours so I'll probably be back in bed by then...

TTYL!!! ♥

Costco: Binging in Bulk

So.... I was doing very well today; oatmeal (~115 cal) for breakfast and Nigerian vegetable soup (an oh-so-worth-it 350 cal) for lunch. I was really looking forward to rewarding myself with a hummus and spinach sandwich (~140 cal) and Fiber One® bar (140 cal) this evening... until I agreed to go to Costco for my mom.

First of all, Costco is ALWAYS busy, regardless of the time of day or day of the week. The sparling warehouse is always jam-packed with shopping carts, flatbed trolleys, and the inevitable lost child. Secondly, if you were to try and get a feel for how the U.S. economy is doing based upon what people are buying, observing shoppers at Costco would make you say "what recession??" Between people buying up 128 oz. bottles of mustard and 24-pack MagLite® flashlights, I'd say we're in an economic boom...

Anyway, I wasn't at all worried or evening thinking about how dangerous Costco really is until I was 10 feet into the front entrance. There they were: SAMPLES.

"But it's a Wednesday!!" I thought... "Sample days are only on the weekends!! Oh jeez..." You see, as a kid, me and my siblings would love going to Costco only because we could stuff our faces with free puff pastries and complimentary spoonfuls of peach cobbler and whatever else they had to offer. It wasn't until I accepted a 1 oz. Dixie cup of Craisins® and ate half (~25 cal), that more and more sampling stations began to appear. There was mini peanut brittle (~40 cal), salmon spread on a cracker (~70 cal), Tostitos® and salsa (~20 cal)... I had them all.

It wasn't until I was downing a sample of a chicken taquito (~37 cal) that I finally stopped myself. What was I doing??? I had done so well up until this point. These "free" samples had cost me nearly 200 calories. What a waste. You know how they say never go grocery shopping when you're hungry?? Yeah, never do that because you'll simply eat every single you see. I'm totally not eating anything else today...

UPDATE: So I wrote this entry while still at my mom's office, saved it as a draft, then went home and obliterated my CR regimen. Upon getting into the house, I had a little Shredded Wheat cereal... then a little more, then a yogurt, then more Nigerian vegetable soup... I SUCK. I kept eating, though, because I decided that I was going to go throw it up. I hate to do this and I don't do it often but I was starting to feel panicky, so I thought it was the best way to relieve my anxiety.

I usually wait 40-60 minutes before I do it, so as I'm busying myself preparing for my day tomorrow (today), I notice about an hour and a half has gone by since I ate. It was after midnight; I was too late. If it was any other day, I would have just tried to anyway. But today (Feb. 4th) is a "special" day for me and on these "special" days, I refrain from doing things which in my own mind might be "bad" things (things like having sex or Christmas day or other restrictions I put on myself... I'm weird, remember?) Anyway, I chucked the day up as an L and sought to do better in the morning.

I'm very pleased to say that I did much, MUCH better today and I think I've made up for much of the damage from the day before. I was 1.2kgs less yesterday morning before my binge; I weighed less this morning post-binge, but only 0.4kgs... at least I didn't gain!!! Phew!!

I always try to remember (and those of you reading should, too) that all is not lost if I "mess up". I easily could have kept the feast going into today, but I didn't. I'm happy with how I did today... I might have earned a that Fiber One® bar after all!!!