Friday, March 5, 2010

I almost gave in..., as you know, I have up stalking and eating before 6pm for Lent.

The fasting was no problem! The issue was that I almost went to my ex-'s Facebook page today; the urge came over me several times... I'm only allowed to go to her page if she pops up in my mini-feed, which she did yesterday, and of course I took the opportunity to examine her page.

She had changed her profile picture to one of her and N... so, bad news: they're still together...

As I prepared to hurl myself into a state of depression, I remembered that I can't keep doing this to myself. Really, I was almost all set to put up a sappy Facebook status, when I thought, "what the fuck is wrong with you?? get over it!! keep movin'..."

Quickly, I smiled; I told myself that this was temporary. They will break up soon and I will happy again (see: disturbed). I also noted that N has fucked up teeth and my teeth are perfect, as well as the fact that Y had always told me sex with me was awesome and the only other person that came close was her ex- of 3 years.

Sadly, these are the demented and trivial things things that keep me afloat in this situation of mine...

I need a distraction... when I was a freshman in college dealing with rejection from a football player who dumped me because I wouldn't have sex with him (I was saving myself for marriage and boys-only then), my friends told me the only way to get over someone is with someone else. Umm, yeah, so I'm not a whore and I can't go sleeping with random girls/guys, but honestly, I just want to feel close to someone again. I'm lonely and it sucks...

I've done pretty damn well staying away from Y's page and her girlfriend's blog. I don't even visit their pages on Sundays when it's "allowed". The real test will come Easter Sunday when Lent will be over and I'll undoubtedly have to restrain myself from e-binging on various Facebook, blogs, DowneLink and Twitter accounts before church service!! LOL!! Ahh... it's funny because it's sad.

Part of me really wants to tell her how I still feel about her. I know now is certainly not the time because I'm sure she could give to fucks about me right now with Snaggletoo--, err, I mean, her girlfriend in the picture. I think about this girl everyday. I was willing to come out for her. I loved her and it still hurts so badly... Maybe that's why I'm so looking forward to her and N breaking up; that will be my only chance to tell her how I feel, because otherwise I'd just look mad foolish....

Lesson learned: If you get a chance to do something, TAKE IT. Otherwise, you will regret it FOREVER.

Goodnight... ★+*.

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