Monday, February 8, 2010

I am so weak

So I just ate. I had pretzels, hummus, yogurt... then I moved onto the hard stuff; buffalo wings, pizza... I am so weak and feel so disgusting right now.

I'm an emotional eater; I eat when I'm happy, but even more when I'm sad.

Why am I sad? Well, like I mentioned before, I'm a stalker. A heartbroken stalker. The girl I used to date broke up with me a year ago and I haven't gotten over her yet. This is really making me sick inside, really sick. We only dated for about 4 months, but... and I've only told this to my best friend... but I think I might have loved her. I mean, what else is this feeling that WON'T go away?? Its an achy, sad feeling inside me. I can cover it up with food, other people, or anything else.

My ex-, we'll call her Y, started seeing another girl, we'll call her N, very soon after we broke up, which made me think this other girl was waiting in the wings in some type of way...

Y is in LOVE with this girl; I mean, she is chasing this girl big time. The girl seems to not be as enthralled because she keeps breaking up with Y. In N's blogs, she always talks about how she doesn't think people listen to her when she tries to tell them what she wants (e.g. not wanting to be in a relationship) but Y doesn't seem to care. Y is willing to sacrifice so much to be with N.

N was in school, had family obligations, lived far away... all things that she and I had in common, but Y wasn't willing to compromise with me. Y said that we didn't spend enough time together, but here she was willing to get just a few hours a week with N and that was enough. With me, its a deal breaker, but with N, Y is totally willing deal with being all but ignored by N.

WHY NOT ME? Why couldn't she give me another chance? Why is she willing to give N so many chances to break her heart, but she breaks mine with so little thought??

I feel so sad and alone. I hate this feeling. I literally have no one to talk to because I'm sure all my friends are sick of hearing about this particular problem. I'm going to go eat some more. I feel like shit. I don't know what to do.................

1 comment:

  1. this is a tough situation and I've been there. There was someone I really really loved and I'd never loved before either and once we nearly got together but at the time they weren't well, so when I asked if they wanted to stop, they said yes. I found out later that if I hadn't asked that at that time, we would have gotten together. I loved this person for years, like 3 years and then I realised that they treated me like shit and I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. I tried hundreds of times to convince this person that we would work, but they said no every time and it really hurt. Then they got together with someone else they met at a bar. I was so so so hurt. In the end I decided I didn't want anything to do with them. It hurt way too much. I just couldn't do it anymore, why that other girl and not me. What was so bad about me that this person couldn't see themselves with me but this other person, who was aparently a huge cow, it was okay. When I made the decision to not persure or even care about this person anymore, I met Andy and I am so happy now. It doesn't lessen how you feel. It is a really awful yucky, self esteem killing situation. The only way I was able to move on was to let go completely and it was hard but it worked. You are worth more than that. If this person doesn't want to give you the chance that she seems to give this other person, even though it probably doesn't feel like it right now, they are not worth and you are worth so much more and you don't deserve to be treated like crap!